Crime Against Electric Scooters

 Executive Summary:

  • A Florida Cracker has issues with Electric Scooters
  • The Florida Cracker is a Serial Scooter Vandalizer

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor and Sister Cindy Mamelian for this story of Florida Cracker Crime.

A Florida Cracker, 59 year old Randall Williams, has been sneaking around his Ft. Lauderdale neighborhood tampering with electric scooters parked on the streets.

Fort Lauderdale police posted a surveillance video showing Cracker Williams walking up to an electrical scooter on the street, slapping a white sticker on its QR code, and cutting its brake lines, thus rendering it impossible to use.

Cracker Randall Williams is a Serial Scooter Vandalizer

Police report that more than 140 scooters have been disabled and vandalized in a similar way in the southeast part of Fort Lauderdale.  Police had already homed in on Cracker Williams as a possible suspect, and the majority of the acts of vandalism happened within two blocks of his apartment.

Hoping to nab the saboteur, cops staked out the area over the weekend.

In the early hours of Saturday and Sunday, police say they saw Cracker Williams leave his apartment on his nightly rounds of scooter sabotage.

He “walked the neighborhood in a stealthy fashion, utilizing the shadows and the alleyways to conceal his movements,” according to their report.

Police say they saw him vandalize seven scooters on Saturday, and an additional nine on Sunday.

When Police arrested Cracker Williams, he had with him two sets of wire cutters, a pair of hand-held lock pliers, and he was wearing a glove, the police report says.

While Sarkes does not condone the Mass Vandalism of Electric Scooters by Cracker Williams, the issue of Electric Scooters is yet resolved in our major cities.  How many of us have had to avoid these Scooters on our sidewalks or step around these Scooters left helter skelter on sidewalks or yards.   Not to mention that almost none of these Scooter riders are wearing helmets.

Police estimated the cost to fix each scooter at $70.  The cost estimate for the vandalism doesn’t take into account lost revenues from rentals while the scooters are inactive.  Cracker Williams did not discriminate, as he vandalized multiple brands of scooters; Lime, Bird, and Bolt!

Bird Scooters were viciously attacked by Cracker Williams

Lime Scooters were victims of a Scooter Hate Crime
What did Bolt Scooters do to Cracker Williams to deserve their mass destruction

Cracker Williams was booked on charges of criminal mischief, resisting officers, and loitering. 

Dog Shoots Owner

Executive Summary:

  • Sarkes regrets to report on another Dog on Owner Gun Crime.
  •   A Mississippi man is in Intensive Care after being shot by a dog while Duck Hunting near Eagle Lake in Mississippi.

Micah Heckford said he and a group of friends were on an annual Duck and Deer hunting trip in Mississippi. The outing took place on land owned by family members of Heckford’s best friend, Matt Branch, the victim.

Heckford explains:  ”For the most part there’s five to eight of us that have been going six or seven years now. We Deer hunt in the evenings and Duck hunt in the mornings.”

Micah Heckford and Hunting friends bag a lot of Ducks

Early the morning of the hunt, the Hunters were standing around the bed of a Polaris Ranger.  Hunter Branch laid his gun in the bed of the Polaris Ranger and walked around the vehicle to finish loading. 

The Polaris Ranger, scene of the Crime

Seeing that the hunters were loading the vehicle, the Perp,  a Labrador Retriever named Tito, jumped in the bed of the Ranger. As he walked around finding a place to sit, Tito stepped on the safety of Branch’s shotgun and pulled the trigger. Despite his name, Tito is not of Puerto Rican decent.

Labrador Retriever Tito, accused of Assault and Battery 

The shot went thru the bed of the Polaris Ranger and struck Hunter Branch in the left thigh.  

Matt Branch, an innocent victim of Dog on People gun crime

Branch was taken to a medical facility in Vicksburg.  Sadly, Hunter Branch suffered serious leg injuries and he has undergone several surgeries.

The motive for Tito’s attack on Hunter Branch is unknown.  Tito is not talking.

A spokesman for the NRA said:

  • “Guns don’t kill people, Dogs kill people”
  • “the problem is not guns, it’s the mental health of Dogs with guns”
  • “if Tito had gone thru an NRA approved training class, this tragedy would have been avoided.”
  • “the only way to stop a Bad Dog with a Gun is with a Good Dog with a gun”
The NRA believes that the Problem is not Guns and that Dogs can safely shoot guns

The Kansas City Chiefs play in Kansas

Executive Summary:

  • Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs for their exciting Super Bowl XIV victory over the San Francisco 49ers.
  • XIV is 54 for those of you who are not a Roman
  • After the game, the nation learns that the Chiefs play in Arrowhead Stadium which is located in Kansas, not Missouri

Thanks to cousin Greg Wilson for breaking this news late last night after the Super Bowl.  Cousins Dorothy and Greg are in Bonita for the annual Cousins Super Bowl party which was hosted this year by Cousin Debbie Esayian.  But Sarkes digresses.  

Super Bowl XIV (54) was played in Miami between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers.  The Chiefs executed another come from behind victory, winning 31 -20.  It was an exciting game for sure.

The Chiefs put a beat down on the 49ers, winning 31 – 20

Sarkes, a Brown Man, particularly enjoyed the Half Time show with Shakira and Jennifer Lopez (Ja Lo).  At the Super Bowl Party that Sarkes attended, almost all of the participants, Rich, Old, White Men and Women, were confused, did not know Shakira, and for sure did not relate to to the Latin Pop music.  And no, there was no Wardrobe Malfunction, both Shakira and Ja Lo wore costumes with bare asses.  

Latin Pop was an appropriate Genre in Miami where Super Bowl XIV was played

Apparently, the Orange Linebacker was also watching Super Bowl XIV in the lush Theater at Mir-a-Lago.  Sarkes was invited to the Super Bowl party at Mir-a-Lago but prefers to watch the Super Bowl with his cousins. 

Shortly after Super Bowl XIV was over, the Orange Corner Back Tweeted:

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – February 2 @ 9:36PM

Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on a great game, and a fantastic comeback, under immense pressure. You represented the Great State of Kansas and, in fact, the entire USA, so very well. Our Country is PROUD OF YOU!

Immediately, Clarie McCaskill, former Senator from Missouri, Tweeted:

Claire McCaskill @ clairecmc – February 2 @ 10:02PM

Its Missouri you stone cold idiot!

Claire McCaskill thought that the Chiefs played in Kansas City, Missouri

The Orange Counter Puncher quickly counter punched:

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – February 2 @ 10:19PM

Claire, you are a Loser you Fat Cow.  You are so dumb that you don’t know anything about your own state.  You are beleaguered and dumb as a rock. Let me share a map of your state as proof:

This map is proof positive that the Chiefs play in Kansas

The Map provided by the Orange Geographer clearly shows that Kansas City is in the state of Kanas, NOT Missouri.  Who would have guessed.  For the 58 years that Sarkes was a Missouri Citizen, he always thought that the Chiefs and baseball Royals played in Missouri. But Sarkes, a Truth Machine, must admit that he rarely traveled to the western side of Missouri.

While Sarkes has clear vision with his $6,000 Cataract Lenses, the Map provided by the Orange Topologist looks like it was altered by a Sharpie.  No, that’s not possible.

Do People Really Eat Iguanas Road Kill?

Executive Summary:

  • A recent cold snap in South Florida cased the death of hundreds of Iguanas
  • What happened to these dead Iguanas?

A cold snap in South Florida caused Iguanas to literally fall from the trees in which they reside.  Since iguanas are cold-blooded reptiles, they can become immobile in temperatures 40 degrees and colder.  At this temperature, the Iguanas are not dead, but they do fall out their trees.  In temperatures lower than 40 degrees, South Floridians should avoid walking under trees.  

a Frozen Iguana falls from a Tree and is 4 paws up

Most often, the “frozen” Iguana will wake up as the temperature rises.  But sometime the fall will kill the Iguana.  What happens to this Iguana Road Kill?  Does anyone eat Iguana Meat?  The short answer is YES.

Eating iguana meat is nothing new. In fact, it’s a common delicacy in Mexico, Central and South America, and in trendy U.S. restaurants that cater to anyone craving a lizard entree.  Iguanas can range from 9 pounds to 30 pounds and can grow to over 3 feet long. 

a Large Iguana can provide a meal for a family of 6 or more

guana gourmets in the U.S. are sometimes immigrants from other countries looking for a taste of home. Other times, they’re just red-blooded Americans looking for something new.  Dr. William Kern, University of Florida, explains:  “Iguana has been called the Chicken of the Trees”. 

Dr. William Kern, U of F, is an expert on Iguanas as a food source

Dr. Kern, continues:  ”People have been eating iguanas since at least 10,000 years ago, when humans reached the New World tropics. It was a readily available, not-too-dangerous food source. It’s always been part of the diet”.

BBQ Iguana, mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, Tasty

Iguana meat is high protein and low fat.  Iguana is a tasty meat alternative for Tacos, Burritos, Curries, Soups, Stews, and Gumbo according to the University of Florida Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences. The meat is thick, so it’s often boiled for long periods of time to soften it up.  Dr. Kern clarifies:  ”When Iguana is cooked, it’s almost a white meat, like you might see with chicken or grouper. It’s a mild-flavored meat — milder than alligator.”  

a skinned and gutted Iguana ready to become a Tasty Taco or Stew

Recovery From Halloween Needed

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida Lawmaker wants kids to have a recovery day after Halloween Trick or Treating
  • She wants what?

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor and Florida neighbor Georgie Taylor for this story from the Florida Legislature.

Florida State Senator Annette Taddeo, Dem-Miami, has proposed declaring the day after Halloween, November 1, an official public school holiday to give kids a chance to recover from Trick or Treating. 

Senator Taddeo is concerned that Florida children need a day to recover after Halloween

Senator Taddeo says she filed Bill 1462 at the request of students and parents.  A student-driven petition had collected more than 300,000 signatures from Miami-Dade, Broward, and Palm Beach counties. 300,000 signatures!

Children in South Florida attained 300,000 signatures

Senator Taddeo explained:  “As a parent, I totally get it, the children need a day of rest after a night of feasting on chocolate and other sweets”.  The day after Halloween holiday would apply to K – 12 students.

Trick or Treating can be exhaustive

Kids eat mass quantities of candy on Halloween

Halloween is rooted in All Hallows Eve, the beginning of a three day observance to remember the dead, including saints and martyrs.   But Halloween has evolved into a day where children dress in costumes to collect candy from neighbors, teens play pranks on adults, and adults can relive their childhood and eat candy collected by their kids.

As usual, Sarkes did and in-depth investigation on kids and Halloween:

Children in Catholic schools have always gotten the day after Halloween off from school as a religious holiday, All Saints Day.  As such, they can eat mass quantities of candy on Halloween and recover the next day.

Catholic School students always have the day off after Halloween

Instead of a Florida Bill for school holiday the day after Halloween, Senator Taddeo should consider a bill outlawing the distribution of Candy on Halloween.  American Children do not need a day off after Halloween, they need to eat more vegetables. 

Americas Rotund Children should eat less candy and more vegetables 

No, Sarkes cannot make this stuff up.  Only in America, only in America.

The Animal Kingdom Revolts

Executive Summary:

  • Lenny Harding has connected some Disturbing Dots
  • The Animal Kingdom is planning to overthrow Mankind 

As you know, Sarkes, a renowned Statistician, can Connect Dots where most don’t even see the Dots.  Well, Sarkeses friend and Special Sarkes Corner Contributor, Lenny Harding, has Connected some Dots in the Animal Kingdom.  Sarkes must admit, he did not see these Dots.

Lenny Harding is a descendent of our 29th President, Warren Harding.  Republican Warren Harding was President from 1921 until his death in 1923 from Heart issues.  Like most Presidents, Warren Harding was a Sniffer.  Harding was also known for the Teapot Dome scandal.  Harding is often rated as one of our worst presidents.  But Sarkes knows Lenny Harding, and Lenny is no Warren Harding.

GOP President Warren Harding was corrupt and rated as our worst President

Lenny Harding is a descendent of Warren Harding but is nothing like his ancestor  

Thought exhaustive journalistic investigation, Lenny Harding has connected Dots to conclude that the Animal Kingdom is in the early stages of rebellion against Humans and have a Master Plan to lower Humans to the Bottom of the Food Chain.  Lenny presents the following Dots:

Dot 1:  Rhino Poacher Killed by Elephant and Eaten by Lions: 

A man suspected of being a rhino poacher was killed last week by an elephant and his remains devoured by a pride of lions at a South African park.  

Rangers at Kruger National Park found only a human skull and a pair of pants.   Four of the dead man’s accomplices were arrested.  The man’s accomplices said that they had been in the park to poach rhinos when he was attacked and killed by an elephant.

Elephants usually win any close combat with Humans
A Pride of Hungry Lions will eat anything


Dot 2: New Jersey residents say Wild Turkeys are attacking community:

A gaggle of 40 to 60 wild turkeys have been aggressively terrorizing residents in a 55-and-up community in Ocean County daily.  Holiday City residents say the turkeys are blocking doorways, pecking at cars and behaving aggressively when they are shooed away.

The wild turkeys weigh between 16 and 24 pounds and run up to 20 miles per hour.  The township has received dozens of complaints but says it’s animal control is powerless in capturing or stopping the birds since they are not licensed to trap wildlife.

Turkeys are better when served at Thanksgiving with all the Fixings


Dot 3: Chimps are killing people in Uganda:

Chimpanzees are attacking people in Uganda, part of a disturbing trend going on in the country that has led to crop loss and even death.

National Geographic reports that the problem has been going on for several years starting in 2014 when a chimp fatally attack a 2-year-old child, stealing the baby from his mother.

Villagers have built a bamboo fence around their backyards to prevent the chimps from getting in but the fence was no match for the chimps, who kept returning.   Three deaths have been reported and six additional injuries or escapes have occurred as a result of the Chimpanzee attacks.

Angry Chimps can scale any Wall

Well, maybe not the big, beautiful Trump Wall paid for by the Mexicans


Dot 4: Feral hogs in Texas attacked and killed a woman:

A Texas woman was found dead after pre-dawn attack by a group of feral hogs.  Christine Rollins, a 59-year old caregiver to an elderly couple in Anahuac, failed to show up at her normal time on Sunday and the  homeowner found her lying in the front yard between her car and the house.

It appears that multiple hogs assaulted Rollins when she arrived at work.  lt

was determined Rollins was attacked by different hogs because of the various size of the bites on her body.  Mature feral hogs can weigh between 100 and 400 pounds.

Ferrel Hogs are the new White Meat

The Dots have been connected by Lenny Harding and it is clear that the Animal Kingdom is planning a Coup de Ta against Mankind.

An angry President Trump Tweeted:

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – December 11 @ 4:23 AM

Thanks to that Great American and Republican Lenny Harding for connecting the Dots and making America aware of this imminent attack against mankind.  Only I can stop the attack of Wild Animals against our People.  I will stop these Wild Animals like I stopped the Hoards of Mexican Rapist, Gangsters, Druggies and Muslims who were Invading America.

Only Donald Trump can Stop the Invasion of the Animal Kingdom

Iowa, Enough Said

Executive Summary:

  • An Iowa woman runs over a 14 year old girl with her SUV because the girl “is a Mexican”
  • She did what?  Because the girl was what?  What?

Nicole Poole Franklin, 42, from Des Moines, Iowa, was smoking Meth and driving around town when she saw a 14 year old girl, Natalia Miranda.   Racist Franklin then intentionally ran over the Miranda with her SUV because the girl looked “Mexican”. 

Mixing Meth with a Racist is a formula for disaster

Racist Franklin is not the smartest White Suprematist in the Klan as later she admitted to police that she intentionally targeted her victim because the girl “is Mexican.”  Racist Franklin now faces an attempted murder charge.

Natalia Miranda is Guilty of Being “Mexican” in Iowa

But running over a 14 year old “Mexican” was just a warm-up for Racist Franklin.  Less than an hour after running over the “Mexican”, Racist Franklin went to a Conoco gas station in West Des Moines.

Racist Franklin dropped into the Conoco station for a pack of smokes

At the Conoco gas station, Racist Franklin commenced a Racist rant against owner Waheed Abdul.  Racist Franklin was throwing potato chips, destroying merchandise and spewing racial slurs against Adbul.  Police were called and Racist Franklin was charged with assault, operating under the influence, theft, and public intoxication. Hate charges are also being considered. 

Abdul is guilty of being a Brown man in Iowa

Racist Franklin may have some anger management issues.  In 2018, Racist Franklin was charged with harassment and domestic abuse assault after she bit her boyfriend and struck him in the back of the neck. During the confrontation, Racist Franklin picked up a butcher’s knife and repeatedly said she would kill her boyfriend.

Even though Sarkes grew up in Missouri, the Shoot Me State, which is borders Iowa immediately to the south, Sarkes doesn’t know much about Iowa.  So, the Sarkes Corner Research Team provided Sarkes the following facts about Iowa:

  • Iowa has a population of just over 3 million, 90% are white, 6% Hispanic, and 4% Black.
  • Iowa has more Golf Courses per capita than any other state, and as we know, Golf is the sport of choice for Rich, Old, White Men.
Golfing in Iowa is for the Rich White Man, Brown People not Welcome
  • Sliced Bread, White of course, was invented in Iowa
The Bread in Iowa, like the People, is White

Confirmed Racist House Representative Steve King is from Iowa.  Racist King is so Racist that the GOP had no choice but to Censure him and remove him from several of his prestigious committees.

Steve King is a Proud Racist representing other Proud Racists in Iowa

So, Iowa is a great place to live and raise a family, as long as one is White.

Penis Fish

Executive Summary:

  • Thousands of Penis Fish washed up on a beach in California
  • Penis Fish, what?

WARNING WARNING WARNING – This Sarkes Corner contains material that might make Family Value Conservatives Uncomfortable – WARNING WARNING WARNING

The Penis Fish is a worm that looks like a man’s Johnson

After a powerful storm,  thousands of unsightly, and phallic-looking worms were washed up on a California beach.  Fat Innkeeper worms, also known as “Penis Fish”, washed up on Drakes Beach in Point Reyes, Calif., around fifty miles northwest of San Francisco.

Thousands of Penis Fish found dead on the beach, what a waste

The “Penis Fish” that washed ashore is the Urechis Caupo, a type of spoonworm that primarily lives on the Pacific coast from southern Oregon to Baja California.  At around 10 inches, its peculiar shape is perfect for coastal life, allowing it to dig a U-shaped burrow for itself.  

Penis Fish can grow to over 10 inches, oh my

The burrow that Urechis Caupo makes is also useful for catching food, letting them take water in using a mucus “net” and sucking in plankton and other bacteria. It even leaves behind residuals for its guests, hence the “innkeeper” moniker. 

The Penis Fish does what?

But how, exactly, did thousands of Penis Fish end up washed ashore? Since their homes are constructed out of sand or mud, strong storms can wash them away. This renders them entirely visible during high-storm seasons such as the ones in El Niño years.

The Penis Fish is commonly eaten in South Korea, Japan, China and Russia as a delicacy, often served raw.

The Penis Fish is eaten raw, what?

Stormy Daniels Tweeted:

Stormy Daniels@StormyD – December 15 @ 10:00AM

I have been around Penises my whole life and I must admit that I am impressed with the size of the Penis Fish.  If only Donnie had a Long Schlong anywhere close to the size of a Penis Fish, I would be the First Lady today.

If the Orange Johnson was bigger, Stormy D could have been our First Lady 

The Orange Commander in Tweets Tweeted:

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – December 16 @ 4:26AM

The report that I have a small Penis is Fake News, Alternate Facts, Phony, a Failed Take Down, Witch Hunt, Scam, Hoax, Hit Job, Harassment, Lynching, Triple Hearsay and Treasonous.

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – December 16 @ 5:07AM

The charges that I have a small Penis has been perpetrated by the Deep State, Crazed Democrats, Never Trumpers, RINOs and Human Scum.  

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – December 16 @ 5:16AM

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY PENIS.  My Penis did nothing wrong.  My Penis is Perfect, Perfecto.  History will show that I am the greatest US President and that I have a large Penis.  No other President in history has had a bigger Penis than ME!!!!!!! My Penis will be completely Exonerated and Vindicated.  Case Closed.

No other President in history has had a larger One Eyed Snake

Deer Kills Hunter

Executive Summary:

  • An experienced Arkansas hunter was found severely injured in the woods, his body riddled with Antler puncture wounds from a Deer. 
  • The Hunter later died from his injuries

Thanks to St. Louis Contributor Lenny Hardy for this tragic story from the Ozark Mountains.  The Ozark Mountains is a mountain range that traverses Missouri and Arkansas.  

Who lives in the Ozarks?  For those of you have seen the Netflix series “Ozark”, starring Jason Bateman and Laura Linney, you have a good idea about the inhabitants of the Ozark Mountains.  For the Older readers of Sarkes Corner, another reference would be the 1972 Movie “Deliverance” staring Jon Voight, Burt Reynolds, Ned Beatty, and Ronny Cox.

The cast of Netflix “Ozarks” depicts the simple people of the Ozark Mountains
Many people who live in the Ozarks have dental issues

Who can forget the epic Banjo Boy in “Deliverance”

Inhabitants of the Ozark Mountains are Salt of the Earth, Simple, Uneducated, Underemployed, 2nd Amendment Heat Packing, God Fearing people, in other words, Trumps Base.   People who live in the Ozarks all Pack Heat and all hunt Deer.

The Scenic Ozark Mountains are home to Heat Packing Hearty Folk to love to hunt Deer

An Arkansas hunter, 66 year old Thomas Alexander, thought he had fatally shot a deer was killed when the very much alive animal turned the tables and gored him in a sudden attack.

Alexander was an experienced hunter who had lived in the Ozark Mountain area for several years. Alexander was hunting using a primitive firearm known as a muzzleloader.  He called his nephew to tell them he had successfully shot a buck and to join him to Field dress the Deer.

Alexander used a Muzzleloader when Deer hunting, he should have used an AR-15

When his nephew found him, Alexander was injured but alert and talking.  Sadly, Alexander stopped breathing by the time paramedics could get him to the hospital.  Officials are not certain that the antler wounds are the official cause of his death, as he may have died from other medical issues such as a heart attack.  

Game and Wildlife Officials say that, on occasion, hunters may approach a deer thinking it is dead when it is only stunned or injured. Usually, they jump up and run away.  Sarkes believes that if Alexander was using an AR-15, the Deer that he had plugged would have gone down and not gotten up.

The wounded Deer has not been found, but Sarkes wonders if this Deer is part of a mutant species with super powers to thwart the assault on Deer. Sarkes does not understand the lure of Deer hunting, but his Deer hunting family and friends tell Sarkes that Deer hunting is important to “Thin the Herd”.

This time the Deer won, but smart money is to bet on the Ozark hunter

Castration Update

Sarkes had published a Sarkes Corner about a North Carolina woman who tied up her husband and cut off his Ying Yang. She was arrested for Castrating her husband.

Well, Sarkes must provide clarification. Sarkes Corner Science Editor and Cousin Dr. Greg Wilson provided clarification for Sarkes:

“The North Carolina woman performed a penile amputation, not castration.  Castration removes the testicles.  However, in ancient Egypt the eunuchs had both testicles and penis removed just to keep them in line as slaves.  Some ancient Christian religious orders did this to themselves as well.”

Sarkes, a Truth Machine, is always driven to provide just the facts in Sarkes Corner. Sarkes Corner is a No Spin Zone. Like this story, on a very rare occasion, Sarkes must provide clarification.

Whatever you call it, Castration or Penile Amputation, when one’s Johnson gets loped off, it’s not a good day.