Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek Gone Bad

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida woman is accused of zipping her boyfriend in suitcase while playing Hide-and-Go-Seek
  • Tragically, the boyfriend was left in the suitcase and died

Sarkes thanks Washington DC Sarkes Corner Contributor Cheryl Katz and St. Louis Sarkes Corner Contributor Dr. Chuckie Kofron for this sad story of a Cracker passing.  

Until the time that Sarkes and Chris moved to Florida in 2009, Sarkeses family and friends had never heard about the booze / drug antics of the Florida Cracker.  To this day, many subscribers of Sarkes Corner charge that Sarkes makes up these stories about the Florida Cracker to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Sarkes is a Truth Machine, and Sarkes Corner is a Fair & Balanced publication

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING – This Sarkes corner contains a graphic and uncomfortable cell phone transcript WARNING, WARNING, WARNING

Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never ceases to amaze.  When not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, the Florida Cracker is a friendly species, Salt of the Earth if you will.  But:  A Cracker + Booze and/or Drugs = A formula for Disaster.  

Crackerette Sarah Boone, 42, of Winter Park, faces a charge of second-degree murder in the death of Jorge Torres Jr.  Crackerette Boone said she was playing a game of Hide-and-Go-Seek with Cracker Torres when she zipped him into a suitcase thinking it would be fun. 

Who would have thought that a man could fit into a suitcase, go figure

Hmmm, it has been over 50 years, 50!, since Sarkes has played Hide-and-Go-Seek, but Sarkes does not remember Hide-and-Go-Seek being played like these Crackers.  Sarkes and his childhood friends would hide behind trees, furniture, etc.  Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek obviously has a different set of rules, with alcohol and/or drugs as a critical element. 

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek is a much different game than the kids version

During the playing of Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek, Crackerette Boone went upstairs and passed out, obviously forgetting that Cracker Torres was still in the suitcase.  Crackerette Boone finally woke up to her cellphone ringing.  Crackerette Boone then realized Cracker Torres was still in the suitcase where she found him unresponsive.  Sober enough to use her cell phone, Crackerette Boone called 911.  Emergency responders came to the home and confirmed that Cracker Torres had died.  Tragic

Sadly, Paramedics could not help Cracker Torres

During the investigation, the Sheriff’s office said Cracker Boone’s statements were “inconsistent” with Cellphone Footage.  Cell Phone Footage, huh, um, ah, what.  Obviously, Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek involves taping the event on a Cell Phone.  huh,um, ah, what.  

On the Cell Phone Tape, Cracker Torres can be heard screaming for help in the suitcase while Crackerette Boone chides him.  Also, Cracker Torres can be heard asking for help, to which Crackerette Boone replies, “For everything you’ve done to me, f— you!”

Cracker Torres continued: ”I can’t f—ing breathe, seriously,”   Crackerette Boone replied:  ”Yeah, that’s what you do when you choke me, that’s what I feel like when you cheat on me,”  As Cracker Torres continued to plea, Crackerette Torres shouted:  “shut the f— up,”

Sarah Boone, under the influence of alcohol, is one angry Crackerette

It doesn’t take a Statistician or Mathematics Professor to solve this Equation:,  A Cracker + Booze and/or Drugs = A formula for Disaster. 

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek resulted in Crackerette Boone heading to the Hoosegow

Woman Passes out while Walking Baby in a Stroller

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida Woman Passes out while Walking a Baby in a Stroller
  • And, she had a nearly Fatal Blood Alcohol Level of .338

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Corespondent and Sister Cindy Mamelian for yet another story of a Florida Cracker gone bad. 

Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never cease to amaze.

A Clearwater, FL Crackerette Woman, Stephanie Saladino, 46, passed out while walking an infant in a stroller on a public sidewalk. 

Emergency crews responded to Bay Esplanade around 2:45 p.m. after Crackerette  Saladino was found on a public sidewalk next to a stroller where an 11-month-old Cracker child was sleeping.   First Responders also reported that they found alcohol in Crackerette Saladino’s belongings.

Thank God the Cracker Baby was not harmed

Crackerette Saladino and the Cracker baby were transported to a local hospital.  Nurses told police that Crackerette Saladino had a blood alcohol level of .338, four times over the legal driving limit and nearly fatal.  It is not clear if Crackerette Saladino was Packing Heat, as is the case with most Crackers.  

Crackerette Saladino was passed out so a Breathalyzer Test could not be performed

While a Blood Alcohol level of .338 might kill most people, not so with Florida Crackers who build up an immunity to mass quantities of alcohol

According to the arrest report, Crackerete Saladino told police she drank wine before taking the Cracker child on a walk, and ultimately passed out on the sidewalk.  The Cracker child is currently in custody of the Child Protection Investigator for the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

Crackerette Saladino is now in the Hoosegow, like most Crackers, she could not make Bail

A Racist Cracker Pilot

Executive Summary:

  • A Cracker was charged after writing Racist Graffiti on an airport bathroom wall
  • The Angry White Man’s Graffiti is second class compared to the African American and Hispanic Graffiti 

WARNING WARNING WARNING – This Sarkes Corner contains offensive and Uncomfortable language, but is true none the less.  WARNING WARNING WARNING

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Corespondent and Sister Cindy Mamelian for this disturbing story of a Racist Cracker.

A commercial pilot, James Ellis Dees, has been charged with criminal mischief after writing Racist and Pro-Trump graffiti at the Tallahassee, Florida, airport.

Pilot Racist Cracker Dees took time between Flights to draw Racist Graffiti

Racist Cracker Dees was a pilot for Endeavor Air, a subsidiary of Delta Airlines, was charged with nine counts of criminal mischief.  Racist Cracker Dees admitted that he wrote slurs like:

“MAGA”

“MAGA = NO Niggers and NO Spics”

“TRUMP4EVER”

“Send them ALL Back”

“Lock Them Up”

While Racist Dees should have been checking out his airplane, he spewed this Racist Graffiti, multiple times, in the Tallahasse airport bathrooms and parking lot elevators.   

Endeavor Air flies Regional Jets for Delta Airlines

Endeavor Air made a statement:  “These actions in no way reflect the values of Endeavor Air and this individual is no longer employed by the airline.”  That is code for the Racist Cracker Dees got the Old Heave Ho.

If you flew a Delta Regional Jet in these Cities, Racist Cracker Dees could have been your Pilot

Police suspected that the Racist messages against African Americans and Hispanics was done by an Angry White Man.  The police noted:  “Some of the graffiti was done using red or blue markers and erased easily, and some was done using a black permanent marker which took some effort on behalf of maintenance to remove.”  Any city dweller knows that Graffiti done by African Americans and Hispanics are done with permanent Paint and are often works of Art.

African Americans and Hispanics would never use “Markers” for their Graffiti

Racist Cracker Dees, not the sharpest Racist in the KKK, was caught WHITE  HANDED on Surveillance Cameras that recorded Racist Cracker Dees writing the Racist Graffiti.  Racist Cracker Dees is a serial Racist as Police reported 20 incidents of Racial graffiti in the past year.  

Racist Cracker Dees admitted to writing “some of it but not all” of the Racist Graffiti.  Racist Cracker Dees is either a lier or there are other White Suprematists working at the Tallahassee airport.  

Racist Cracker Dees told Police that he had “been going through a really tough time and has anger issues.”  You think!

Many Sarkes Corner readers have lived sheltered lives and tell Sarkes that he must be making this stuff up.  Many of you have never encountered the likes of Racist Cracker Dee.  But Contre Mon Fare, these Racists have always been around.  In the past 3 years, under the Banner of MAGA, these Racists and White Suprematists have crawled out from under their Rocks and have been embolden too “MAWA”, Make America White Again.  In our Civilized Society, this may be the Racists Last Stand. 

Racist Cracker Dees has many White Brothers who share his beliefs and want to MAWA

Another Cracker Shooting

Executive Summary:

  • Florida Cracker, playing “cowboy”, shoots himself in leg
  • He did what, huh, mmmmmmmm

Thanks to sister and Sarkes Corner Florida Bureau contributor, Cindy Mamelian, for another story about a Florida Cracker with a gun.

36-year-old Matthew Noffsinger Jr. accidentally shot himself in the leg while “Playing Cowboy”.  Sarkes has never seen a Floridian “Play Cowboy”.   Based on what Sarkes has seen on Movies, “Playing Cowboy” must include riding horses and shooting guns.  

One must have a horse and gun to Play Cowboy

You see, in Sarkeses gated Golf Course community, the only thing that the Rich, Old, White guys ride are Golf Carts, and the only thing that they are shooting is Golf.

Rich, Old, White Floridians love their Golf and riding Golf Carts

Initially, Cracker Noffsinger lied about the incident because, as a Felon, he’s not supposed to own a gun.  Cracker Noffsinger told the police that he was in the woods when somebody shot him.  The Cracker was an innocent victim.

A Florida Cracker, when painted into a corner, defaults to lying 

Police questioned Cracker Noffsinger about why he had an entrance and exit wound straight down his leg.  That’s when Cracker Noffsinger admitted that he was “playing cowboy” with a .22 revolver when he accidentally shot himself.

The Florida Cracker likes the feel of the .22 caliber revolver

Cracker Noffsinger stated that he lied because he’s a convicted felon and he’s not supposed to be in possession of a gun.  To make matters worse, a wallet containing four credit cards and an ID that didn’t belong to Cracker Noffsinger were found in his backpack.  Of course, Cracker Noffsinger told police that he just found those items. 

Cracker Noffsinger is in the Hoosegow as he could not make Bail.  No surprise there. 

Pregnant Cracker Packs Heat

Executive Summary:

  • A Pregnant Florida Crackerette uses an AR-15 to fatally shoot an armed intruder
  • Two armed men broke into the Crackerette’s house and pistol whipped the Cracker husband before the Crackerette wife pulled out her AR-15 and opened fire

Thanks to Sarkes Corner St. Louis Contributor Lenny Harding who specializes on stories about Florida Crackers packing Heat.  Lenny Harding is a descendent of our 29th President, Warren Harding.  Republican Warren Harding was President from 1921 until his death in 1923 from Heart issues.  Like most Presidents, Warren Harding was a Sniffer having extramarital affair with Nan Britton.  Also know for the Teapot Dome scandal, involving the development of oil reserves in Wyoming, Harding is often rated as one of our worst presidents.  But Sarkes knows Lenny Harding, and he is no Warren Harding.

Warren Harding was a typical Scandalous, P-Grabbing US President

Sarkes digresses, back on Point.

A pregnant Florida Crackerette, armed with an AR-15, gunned down one of two home invaders who had broken in her home and were pistol whipping her husband.   The deadly confrontation happened at about 9 p.m in Lithia, Florida, about 25 miles southeast of downtown Tampa.

After the woman fired one shot from the family’s AR-15-style rifle, both men fled and the mortally wounded robber collapsed in a drainage ditch outside where he died.  The Crackertte expressed concern that she did not know how to squeeze off multiple rounds, only getting off 1 shot.

The AR-15, the weapon of choice for the Heat Packing Cracker

Deputies are still searching for the other robber. The dead robber was described by deputies as a man in his late 20s, but he was not immediately identified.

Hillsborough County Sherrif said:  ”Two unknown males broke in and made demands of them. The male victim, who is the homeowner, began to get pistol-whipped and beat up.  During that incident, the female homeowner retrieved a firearm, which was in the house legally, and fired one round which struck the male victim that was found deceased in the ditch.”

Homeowner Cracker Jeremy King said he’d be dead if not for his fast-thinking, eight-months-pregnant wife. He said both home invaders had pistols and they fired one shot. 

Cracker King, like most Crackers, hasn’t mastered English, but speaking in “Merican” said:  “Them guys came in with two normal pistols and my AR stopped it.  My wife evened the playing field and kept them from killing me.”

The AR-15 evens the playing field for the Crackerette

Cracker King suffered a fractured eye socket, a fractured sinus cavity and a concussion to go along with 20 stitches from the attack, but no more than he would suffer in a Cracker bar room brawl.  Cracker King said he and wife did not know their attackers.  Cracker King, like most Salt of the Earth Floridian Crackers, live paycheck to paycheck, but cannot live without their AR-15’s and Large Capacity Magazines.

Jeremy King is a typical Florida Cracker, Dirt Poor but Weapon Rich

But, the Hills County Sherrif said:  “We also know this was not a random act.  This family was probably targeted.”  Sarkes interprets this for his naive readers of Sarkes Corner:  “This was a Meth deal gone back.”

Like the NRA Poster says:  “It takes a good guy with a gun to stop a bad guy with a gun”.

The Great American Leader of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre said it best

When told about this incident, the Orange Glock said:  “Good, that Human Scum Robber got what he deserved.  When I win reelection in 2020, I will pass legislation to require that each homeowner have at least 1 semi-automatic weapon to protect us Great Americans from Mexican Rapists, Criminals, and Drug Lords”

Republican Herbert Hoover promised a “Chicken for every Pot”
The Orange Lugar promises a “Semi-automatic gun for every home”

A Castration Gone Bad

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida man was arrested after botching an in-home castration surgery
  • OUCH! 

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Special Corespondent and sister Cindy Mamelian for another story about the antics of Florida Man, the Florida Cracker.

Florida deputies have arrested a man for attempting to perform a castration inside his Highlands County, FL home.   Highlands County is in South Central Florida.  Lake Okeechobee is in the center of Highlands County.  Highlands County is Ground Zero for the Florida Cracker.

Deputies were called to 74-year-old Florida Cracker Gary Van Ryswyk’s home in Sebring, FL.  When they arrived, Cracker Van Ryswyk told a deputy he had just performed a castration on a man and encountered some major issues. Deputies found a victim on a bed, bleeding heavily, with a towel over his groin.

What?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

Cracker Van Ryswyk performs Castrations in his home, a great value

The victim was flown to a nearby hospital and is said to be stable.  During their investigation, deputies found two body parts in a pink container, presumed to have belonged to the victim.

What 2 Body Parts?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

Cracker Van Ryswyk had set up a room to look like a surgical center and had medical equipment and painkillers inside.  A camera was also set up to record the procedure.  Van Ryswyk told deputies he had met the victim on a the dark web on a site geared toward people who have a Castration Fetish.

What is a Castration Fetish?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

According to Police, Cracker Van Ryswyk told the victim that he had experience performing Castrations on animals and had even removed one of his own testicles in 2012.

He removed WHAT?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

Cracker Van Ryswyk was arrested and charged with practicing medicine without a license resulting in bodily injury, a second-degree felony.  His bond was set at $250,000.

Sarkes Corner Medical Reporters were able to interview Cracker Van Ryswyk in the Highland County Hoosegow.  Cracker Van Ryswyk, one of the Orange Johnsons Base, and a staunch Republican, blamed his actions on ObamaCare.  Cracker Van Ryswyk said that voluntary Castrations are not covered by ObamaCare and he was performing a Public Service. 

Like Sarkeses Conservative friends always say: “Its all Obamas fault”

If ObamaCare covered voluntary Castrations, Cracker Van Ryswyk’s victim would still have his Ying Yang and/or Boys

A Cracker Get Away Vehicle

Executive Summary:

  • A Crackertte Perp attempted to flee the scene of her crime in a Lyft, then an Uber
  • Is today’s Cracker learning to use current technology?

In the not so distance past, a Florida Cracker or Crackerette would flee the scene of their crime in an old, rusty, Ford F150 Pick Up Truck outfitted with a Gun Rack.  The Old Pick Up truck was often not dependable, leading to the apprehension of many a Cracker.

The Ford F150, the Get Away vehicle of choice of the Florida Cracker

Florida Crackerette, Kate Lamothe, 24, entered an Exxon in Pinellas Park and asked to buy a Juul Vaping device that cost $42.79. When the clerk handed it to Crackerette Lamothe, she fled the scene without paying.

Crackerette Lamothe needed her nicotine so she stole a high end Juul Vaping Device

Crackerette Lamothe had arrived at the Exxon station in a Lyft.  After stealing the Juul Vaping Device, Crackerette Lamothe ran out of the store and back into the Lyft vehicle that was told to wait.  Seeing that a crime was in progress, the Lyft Driver refused to drive and Crackerette Lamothe exited the Lyft vehicle.

Crackerette Lamothe is now in the Pinellas County Hoozegow

When the Lyft driver wouldn’t help her, Crackerette Lamothe called an Uber and began walking away from the Exxon station. Crackerette Lamothe was later apprehended inside an Uber in a nearby parking lot.

Like many young people today, Crackerette Lamothe depends on Lyft and Uber for her transportation

Crackerette Lamothe was arrested and charged with retail theft. and later freed on $150 bond.  

While this may seem to be just another amusing story about Cracker crime, it should be taken seriously.  You see, for decades, Police Departments in Florida have been trained to apprehend Cracker Perps fleeing the scene of the crime in their old, rusty, Pick Up Trucks.  Now, these Florida Police Departments must be retrained on how to recognize and safely apprehend Cracker Perps fleeing in Uber or Lyfts.  

Police departments will be spending Millions to retrain their Officers on Lyft and Uber

Are Florida Crackers in Louisiana?

Executive Summary:

  • Sarkes ponders, are there Florida Crackers in Louisiana?
  • Sarkes concludes, there just might be.

Sarkes is thankful that he can get back to the Core Competency of Sarkes Corner following the tsunami of mass murders the past few weeks.  

Much has been written about the antics of the Florida Cracker and Crackerette.  Sarkes has often wondered if the phenomena of the Cracker was unique to Florida, the Gunshine State.  What about other states in the deep south (Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, etc) that, like Florida, have a bevy of uneducated, underemployed, white folk?  Surely these states have their version of the Florida Cracker.  

Surely Florida Cracker-like people reside in these other states of the south

Well, Sarkes got his answer and it is YES!  In a move that would make any Florida Crackerette proud, a Louisiana woman says that Methamphetamine (Meth) found hidden inside her Vagina is not hers.

A Louisiana woman, Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, was caught with Meth hidden inside her Cooch.  Rolland told police that she didn’t know where the drugs came from.  If Cooch was Catholic, this might quality as a Miracle, the Meth just popped into her Vagina.

Ashley Beth Rolland does not know how the Meth got into her Cooch and claims it was not hers

Rolland, 23, was accused of stealing $5,000 from the apartment of a man she’d been staying with for about a week,  according to the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office.

The man told the West Monroe Police Department that while he was showering, Rolland swiped his cash and left. Rolland confessed to police she did take the man’s money and left his apartment.   Hmmm, West Monroe is the home to the famous TV show Duck Dynasty.  Maybe that explains some of this.  As you know, Sarkes can connect Dots where most cannot see Dots.

Duck Dynasty is set in West Monroe, LA, so Ashely Beth Rolands behavior might just be normal for that area

Later, a female correctional officer later searched Rolland and, inside of Rolland’s Poontang, discovered $6,233 along with “a clear plastic bag” of roughly one gram of Meth, which Rolland denied was hers.  Hmmmm, Sarkes can see how a bag of Meth can be inserted into a Vagina but how does one get $6,233 up there?  Hmmmmm.  Rolland was arrested and charged with theft and narcotics possession.

Does Meth stored in a Women’s Hoo-haw affect the potency of the Drug?

Sarkes has dispatched Junior Sarkes Corner Reporters to Louisiana to cover this court proceeding.  Sarkes has learned from Judge Judy that Possession is 9/10th of the Law……….but is this true of a bag of Meth stuffed in a women’s Snatch?

How would Judge Judy rule in this case?

Ashley Beth Rolland would make any Florida Crackerette proud.  

One Hungry Cracker

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida Cracker breaks in to rob a Florida Wendy’s but stops to make himself dinner first
  • The Florida Cracker is not the sharpest knife in the drawer

The Florida Cracker is usually a docile specimen until they consume mass quantities of alcohol, and since they all Pack Heat, an alcohol impaired Cracker is a danger to society.  But, in some cases, the Florida Cracker is just stupid, as is the case with this story. 

Florida Cracker Patrick Benson, 34, is the  “modern day Hamburglar,” police say, and he was caught on camera making himself a burger before robbing a Florida Wendy’s.  Cracker Benson was arrested and charged with burglary, grand theft and attempted burglary. 

Unlike Cracker Benson, the Hamburglar never gets caught

Security footage at the Jensen Beach Wendy’s caught Cracker Benson in the act and also reveals a strange part of his process.  After breaking the windows with a brick after store hours, Cracker Benson started up the grill, made himself a burger and ate it, the sheriff’s office said. Only after his meal did he grab the safe and make his escape.

Cracker Benson looks like he loves his Hamburgers and French Fries

Cracker Benson is a serial Perp since this is not the only time he did this. According to Police, ”The suspect has been successful at forcing his way into two restaurants cooking himself some dinner — then stealing what he can’t consume,” the sheriff’s office said Friday.

Cracker Benson cooked up a Wendy’s Double Cheeseburger with Fries and an ice cold Coke but passed on the Chocolate Frosty

Benson is now in the Martin County Jail, but alas, they do not serve Wendy’s Burgers there.

Speaking Spanish in America

Executive Summary:

  • A Burger King manager was told to “go back to Mexico” for speaking Spanish in a Florida fast food restaurant
  • Huh, um, uh oh, she said what.

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Bureau Correspondent and sister Cindy Mamelian for another Head Scratching story about a couple of Florida Crackerettes.   

The General Manager of a Burger King restaurant in Florida was told by an old White Crackerette customer to “go back to Mexico” if he wanted to keep speaking Spanish.

These 2 Old White Crackeretts do not want to hear Spanish while eating their Whoppers and Fries

General Manager Ricardo Castillo, who is of Puerto Rican descent, was berated by two unidentified Crackerttes as they were eating in the restaurant in Eustis, FL, 40 miles north of Orlando.

Burger King Manager Castillo is of Puerto Rican decent but was mistaken for a Mexican

“You’re in America, you should speak American English,” one Crackerette yelled at Manager Castillo.  She continued: ”Yeah, yeah, go back to Mexico if you want to keep speaking Spanish, go back to your Mexican country, your state, your country.”

Huh, um, uh oh, she said what.

These Florida Crackerttes took a play out of the Conservative Queen Sarah Palin playbook.  Queen Palin once said that Hispanics in the US should speck “American”.

Sarah Palin wants all Hispanics in the US to speak “American”, she is not the sharpest knife in the GOP drawer but does have nice Ta Tas which goes a long way

Burger King customer Neyzha Borrero recorded the heated exchange stating that the Crackeretts  complained to the manager because he spoke Spanish in front of them.   Castillo was doing some paperwork at a table when one of his employees came and spoke with him in Spanish.  Borrero stated: ”The two ladies were next to the manager, and after the employee left, they told Castillo they wanted to complain.”

Thinking it was about the meal, the manager offered to give them credit or a free dessert, Borrero said. But instead, they said that he shouldn’t be speaking Spanish in public because “we are in the USA.”   After being told to go back to Mexico, Castillo can be heard saying, “Guess what ma’am, I’m not Mexican, I’m not Mexican but you’re being very prejudiced and I want you out of my restaurant, right now.”

A spokesman for Burger King said: “There is no place for discrimination in our restaurants. We expect employees and guests to treat each other with respect. This incident took place at a franchised restaurant and the owner is looking into the matter.”

The Eustis, FL Burger King where you can order your Whopper in either Spanish OR American

Sarkes cannot tell the exact age of the unidentified Racist Crackerttes, but they do look old.  As such, they will probably have made their Celestial Exit by the time Hispanics become the majority in 2040 and the White Man is a Minority.

Sarkes always digs deeper into such stories.  Sarkes thinks that the Old White Women were just practicing for an upcoming Trump Rally by chanting:  “Send Him Back!, Send Him Back!, Send Him Back!”.

The Old Crackerttes were probably just practicing for an upcoming Trump Rally shouting:  “Send Him Back!, Send Him Back!, Send Him Back!”