Florida Cracker, playing “cowboy”, shoots himself in leg
He did what, huh, mmmmmmmm
Thanks to sister and Sarkes Corner Florida Bureau contributor, Cindy Mamelian, for another story about a Florida Cracker with a gun.
36-year-old Matthew Noffsinger Jr. accidentally shot himself in the leg while “Playing Cowboy”. Sarkes has never seen a Floridian “Play Cowboy”. Based on what Sarkes has seen on Movies, “Playing Cowboy” must include riding horses and shooting guns.
You see, in Sarkeses gated Golf Course community, the only thing that the Rich, Old, White guys ride are Golf Carts, and the only thing that they are shooting is Golf.
Initially, Cracker Noffsinger lied about the incident because, as a Felon, he’s not supposed to own a gun. Cracker Noffsinger told the police that he was in the woods when somebody shot him. The Cracker was an innocent victim.
Police questioned Cracker Noffsinger about why he had an entrance and exit wound straight down his leg. That’s when Cracker Noffsinger admitted that he was “playing cowboy” with a .22 revolver when he accidentally shot himself.
Cracker Noffsinger stated that he lied because he’s a convicted felon and he’s not supposed to be in possession of a gun. To make matters worse, a wallet containing four credit cards and an ID that didn’t belong to Cracker Noffsinger were found in his backpack. Of course, Cracker Noffsinger told police that he just found those items.
Cracker Noffsinger is in the Hoosegow as he could not make Bail. No surprise there.
A Pregnant Florida Crackerette uses an AR-15 to fatally shoot an armed intruder
Two armed men broke into the Crackerette’s house and pistol whipped the Cracker husband before the Crackerette wife pulled out her AR-15 and opened fire
Thanks to Sarkes Corner St. Louis Contributor Lenny Harding who specializes on stories about Florida Crackers packing Heat. Lenny Harding is a descendent of our 29th President, Warren Harding. Republican Warren Harding was President from 1921 until his death in 1923 from Heart issues. Like most Presidents, Warren Harding was a Sniffer having extramarital affair with Nan Britton. Also know for the Teapot Dome scandal, involving the development of oil reserves in Wyoming, Harding is often rated as one of our worst presidents. But Sarkes knows Lenny Harding, and he is no Warren Harding.
Sarkes digresses, back on Point.
A pregnant Florida Crackerette, armed with an AR-15, gunned down one of two home invaders who had broken in her home and were pistol whipping her husband. The deadly confrontation happened at about 9 p.m in Lithia, Florida, about 25 miles southeast of downtown Tampa.
After the woman fired one shot from the family’s AR-15-style rifle, both men fled and the mortally wounded robber collapsed in a drainage ditch outside where he died. The Crackertte expressed concern that she did not know how to squeeze off multiple rounds, only getting off 1 shot.
Deputies are still searching for the other robber. The dead robber was described by deputies as a man in his late 20s, but he was not immediately identified.
Hillsborough County Sherrif said: ”Two unknown males broke in and made demands of them. The male victim, who is the homeowner, began to get pistol-whipped and beat up. During that incident, the female homeowner retrieved a firearm, which was in the house legally, and fired one round which struck the male victim that was found deceased in the ditch.”
Homeowner Cracker Jeremy King said he’d be dead if not for his fast-thinking, eight-months-pregnant wife. He said both home invaders had pistols and they fired one shot.
Cracker King, like most Crackers, hasn’t mastered English, but speaking in “Merican” said: “Them guys came in with two normal pistols and my AR stopped it. My wife evened the playing field and kept them from killing me.”
Cracker King suffered a fractured eye socket, a fractured sinus cavity and a concussion to go along with 20 stitches from the attack, but no more than he would suffer in a Cracker bar room brawl. Cracker King said he and wife did not know their attackers. Cracker King, like most Salt of the Earth Floridian Crackers, live paycheck to paycheck, but cannot live without their AR-15’s and Large Capacity Magazines.
But, the Hills County Sherrif said: “We also know this was not a random act. This family was probably targeted.” Sarkes interprets this for his naive readers of Sarkes Corner: “This was a Meth deal gone back.”
Like the NRA Poster says: “It takes a good guy with a gun to stop a bad guy with a gun”.
When told about this incident, the Orange Glock said: “Good, that Human Scum Robber got what he deserved. When I win reelection in 2020, I will pass legislation to require that each homeowner have at least 1 semi-automatic weapon to protect us Great Americans from Mexican Rapists, Criminals, and Drug Lords”
A Florida man was arrested after botching an in-home castration surgery
Thanks to Sarkes Corner Special Corespondent and sister Cindy Mamelian for another story about the antics of Florida Man, the Florida Cracker.
Florida deputies have arrested a man for attempting to perform a castration inside his Highlands County, FL home. Highlands County is in South Central Florida. Lake Okeechobee is in the center of Highlands County. Highlands County is Ground Zero for the Florida Cracker.
Deputies were called to 74-year-old Florida Cracker Gary Van Ryswyk’s home in Sebring, FL. When they arrived, Cracker Van Ryswyk told a deputy he had just performed a castration on a man and encountered some major issues. Deputies found a victim on a bed, bleeding heavily, with a towel over his groin.
What?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!
The victim was flown to a nearby hospital and is said to be stable. During their investigation, deputies found two body parts in a pink container, presumed to have belonged to the victim.
What 2 Body Parts?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!
Cracker Van Ryswyk had set up a room to look like a surgical center and had medical equipment and painkillers inside. A camera was also set up to record the procedure. Van Ryswyk told deputies he had met the victim on a the dark web on a site geared toward people who have a Castration Fetish.
What is a Castration Fetish?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!
According to Police, Cracker Van Ryswyk told the victim that he had experience performing Castrations on animals and had even removed one of his own testicles in 2012.
He removed WHAT?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!
Cracker Van Ryswyk was arrested and charged with practicing medicine without a license resulting in bodily injury, a second-degree felony. His bond was set at $250,000.
Sarkes Corner Medical Reporters were able to interview Cracker Van Ryswyk in the Highland County Hoosegow. Cracker Van Ryswyk, one of the Orange Johnsons Base, and a staunch Republican, blamed his actions on ObamaCare. Cracker Van Ryswyk said that voluntary Castrations are not covered by ObamaCare and he was performing a Public Service.
Like Sarkeses Conservative friends always say: “Its all Obamas fault”
A Crackertte Perp attempted to flee the scene of her crime in a Lyft, then an Uber
Is today’s Cracker learning to use current technology?
In the not so distance past, a Florida Cracker or Crackerette would flee the scene of their crime in an old, rusty, Ford F150 Pick Up Truck outfitted with a Gun Rack. The Old Pick Up truck was often not dependable, leading to the apprehension of many a Cracker.
Florida Crackerette, Kate Lamothe, 24, entered an Exxon in Pinellas Park and asked to buy a Juul Vaping device that cost $42.79. When the clerk handed it to Crackerette Lamothe, she fled the scene without paying.
Crackerette Lamothe had arrived at the Exxon station in a Lyft. After stealing the Juul Vaping Device, Crackerette Lamothe ran out of the store and back into the Lyft vehicle that was told to wait. Seeing that a crime was in progress, the Lyft Driver refused to drive and Crackerette Lamothe exited the Lyft vehicle.
When the Lyft driver wouldn’t help her, Crackerette Lamothe called an Uber and began walking away from the Exxon station. Crackerette Lamothe was later apprehended inside an Uber in a nearby parking lot.
Crackerette Lamothe was arrested and charged with retail theft. and later freed on $150 bond.
While this may seem to be just another amusing story about Cracker crime, it should be taken seriously. You see, for decades, Police Departments in Florida have been trained to apprehend Cracker Perps fleeing the scene of the crime in their old, rusty, Pick Up Trucks. Now, these Florida Police Departments must be retrained on how to recognize and safely apprehend Cracker Perps fleeing in Uber or Lyfts.
Sarkes ponders, are there Florida Crackers in Louisiana?
Sarkes concludes, there just might be.
Sarkes is thankful that he can get back to the Core Competency of Sarkes Corner following the tsunami of mass murders the past few weeks.
Much has been written about the antics of the Florida Cracker and Crackerette. Sarkes has often wondered if the phenomena of the Cracker was unique to Florida, the Gunshine State. What about other states in the deep south (Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, etc) that, like Florida, have a bevy of uneducated, underemployed, white folk? Surely these states have their version of the Florida Cracker.
Well, Sarkes got his answer and it is YES! In a move that would make any Florida Crackerette proud, a Louisiana woman says that Methamphetamine (Meth) found hidden inside her Vagina is not hers.
A Louisiana woman, Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, was caught with Meth hidden inside her Cooch. Rolland told police that she didn’t know where the drugs came from. If Cooch was Catholic, this might quality as a Miracle, the Meth just popped into her Vagina.
Rolland, 23, was accused of stealing $5,000 from the apartment of a man she’d been staying with for about a week, according to the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office.
The man told the West Monroe Police Department that while he was showering, Rolland swiped his cash and left. Rolland confessed to police she did take the man’s money and left his apartment. Hmmm, West Monroe is the home to the famous TV show Duck Dynasty. Maybe that explains some of this. As you know, Sarkes can connect Dots where most cannot see Dots.
Later, a female correctional officer later searched Rolland and, inside of Rolland’s Poontang, discovered $6,233 along with “a clear plastic bag” of roughly one gram of Meth, which Rolland denied was hers. Hmmmm, Sarkes can see how a bag of Meth can be inserted into a Vagina but how does one get $6,233 up there? Hmmmmm. Rolland was arrested and charged with theft and narcotics possession.
Sarkes has dispatched Junior Sarkes Corner Reporters to Louisiana to cover this court proceeding. Sarkes has learned from Judge Judy that Possession is 9/10th of the Law……….but is this true of a bag of Meth stuffed in a women’s Snatch?
Ashley Beth Rolland would make any Florida Crackerette proud.
A Florida Cracker breaks in to rob a Florida Wendy’s but stops to make himself dinner first
The Florida Cracker is not the sharpest knife in the drawer
The Florida Cracker is usually a docile specimen until they consume mass quantities of alcohol, and since they all Pack Heat, an alcohol impaired Cracker is a danger to society. But, in some cases, the Florida Cracker is just stupid, as is the case with this story.
Florida Cracker Patrick Benson, 34, is the “modern day Hamburglar,” police say, and he was caught on camera making himself a burger before robbing a Florida Wendy’s. Cracker Benson was arrested and charged with burglary, grand theft and attempted burglary.
Security footage at the Jensen Beach Wendy’s caught Cracker Benson in the act and also reveals a strange part of his process. After breaking the windows with a brick after store hours, Cracker Benson started up the grill, made himself a burger and ate it, the sheriff’s office said. Only after his meal did he grab the safe and make his escape.
Cracker Benson is a serial Perp since this is not the only time he did this. According to Police, ”The suspect has been successful at forcing his way into two restaurants cooking himself some dinner — then stealing what he can’t consume,” the sheriff’s office said Friday.
Benson is now in the Martin County Jail, but alas, they do not serve Wendy’s Burgers there.
A Burger King manager was told to “go back to Mexico” for speaking Spanish in a Florida fast food restaurant
Huh, um, uh oh, she said what.
Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Bureau Correspondent and sister Cindy Mamelian for another Head Scratching story about a couple of Florida Crackerettes.
The General Manager of a Burger King restaurant in Florida was told by an old White Crackerette customer to “go back to Mexico” if he wanted to keep speaking Spanish.
General Manager Ricardo Castillo, who is of Puerto Rican descent, was berated by two unidentified Crackerttes as they were eating in the restaurant in Eustis, FL, 40 miles north of Orlando.
“You’re in America, you should speak American English,” one Crackerette yelled at Manager Castillo. She continued: ”Yeah, yeah, go back to Mexico if you want to keep speaking Spanish, go back to your Mexican country, your state, your country.”
Huh, um, uh oh, she said what.
These Florida Crackerttes took a play out of the Conservative Queen Sarah Palin playbook. Queen Palin once said that Hispanics in the US should speck “American”.
Burger King customer Neyzha Borrero recorded the heated exchange stating that the Crackeretts complained to the manager because he spoke Spanish in front of them. Castillo was doing some paperwork at a table when one of his employees came and spoke with him in Spanish. Borrero stated: ”The two ladies were next to the manager, and after the employee left, they told Castillo they wanted to complain.”
Thinking it was about the meal, the manager offered to give them credit or a free dessert, Borrero said. But instead, they said that he shouldn’t be speaking Spanish in public because “we are in the USA.” After being told to go back to Mexico, Castillo can be heard saying, “Guess what ma’am, I’m not Mexican, I’m not Mexican but you’re being very prejudiced and I want you out of my restaurant, right now.”
A spokesman for Burger King said: “There is no place for discrimination in our restaurants. We expect employees and guests to treat each other with respect. This incident took place at a franchised restaurant and the owner is looking into the matter.”
Sarkes cannot tell the exact age of the unidentified Racist Crackerttes, but they do look old. As such, they will probably have made their Celestial Exit by the time Hispanics become the majority in 2040 and the White Man is a Minority.
Sarkes always digs deeper into such stories. Sarkes thinks that the Old White Women were just practicing for an upcoming Trump Rally by chanting: “Send Him Back!, Send Him Back!, Send Him Back!”.
A Florida woman was charged after giving husband’s guns to police
Huh, Uh, What, Are you kidding me, Oh my
Thanks to Sarkeses High School buddy Chuckie Chuckie Kofron for another great case study of Florida Crackerdom. You see, recently retired Chuckie Chuckie had been considering buying property in Florida but is now apprehensive after reading the stories in Sarkes Corner on the antics of the Heat Packing, Florida Cracker. Like Fox News Fair and Balanced, Sarkes passes no judgement, Sarkes reports, You decide.
Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never cease to amaze. Sometimes, the Police and Prosecutors in Florida, the Gunshine State, never cease to amaze also.
A Florida Cracker or Crackerette are usually docile specimens. A Florida Cracker or Cracerette packing Heat is an inevitable accident waiting to happen.
A Florida woman’s effort to protect herself from domestic violence has become a flashpoint in the debate over gun rights and victims’ safety.
Crackerette Courtney Irby gave her estranged husband’s guns to police after he was charged with domestic violence-aggravated battery, only to find herself arrested for Theft. Huh, Uh, What, Are you kidding me, Oh my.
Crackerette Irby spent six days in jail on charges of Armed Burglary and Grand Theft after she retrieved an Assault Rifle and handgun from her husband’s apartment and gave them to the Lakeland Police. Cracker Joseph Irby was spending one day in jail at the time, accused of ramming into her car after a divorce hearing.
After her husband’s arrest, Crackerette Irby petitioned for a temporary injunction for protection, which was granted. Federal law prohibits people under a domestic violence restraining order from possessing guns, but it’s up to local law enforcement to enforce it. Lakeland Police DID NOT take the Cracker Abuser’s Heat away! Uh, What, Are you kidding me, Oh my,
Crackerette Irby told police that she believed he wouldn’t turn in his guns himself, so she took action. According to her arrest report, she said she entered her husband’s apartment through a locked door without his permission and took the guns to a police station.
“So you’re telling me you committed an armed burglary?” the Lakeland Police Officer asked her. Crackerette Irby replied: ”Yes, I am but he wasn’t going to turn them in so I am doing it”. The Lakeland Police Office then arrested Crackerette Irby. Uh, What, Are you kidding me, Oh my.
The arrest of an abused Crackeretee by the Lakeland Police drew the ire of many. State Rep. Anna Eskamani of Orlando tweeted that it’s “ridiculous” to arrest a woman in this kind of situation. She sent a letter to State Attorney Brian Haas asking that Crackerette Irby not be prosecuted. She cited research showing the presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation makes it five times more likely a woman will be murdered. No surprise there.
While federal law prohibits people under domestic violence restraining orders and convicted of domestic violence from possessing guns, local law enforcement and prosecutors don’t have the tools they need to enforce those restrictions, Eskamani said in her letter to the state attorney. “These loopholes are major contributors to the deadly relationship between domestic violence and firearms,” Eskamani said.
Cracker Irby’s charges involve an altercation that began with a shouting match after the divorce hearing. According to his arrest report, they both got into their cars and then he used his vehicle to strike her back bumper several times, running her off the road. Huh, Uh, What, Are you kidding me, Oh my.
In requesting that she be released on bond, Crackerette Irby’s attorney argued that she didn’t commit theft since she didn’t take the guns for her personal use and didn’t benefit by taking them. Huh, Uh, What, Are you kidding me, Oh my.
Gun rights advocates and the NRA are in favor of prosecuting Crackerette Irby while her supporters launched a fundraising campaign for her legal fees.
No, Sarkes cannot make this stuff up. Only in America, Only in Florida, Only in the Cracker Kingdom can this happen. This is Cracker Justice. Sarkes Ponders, what would Judge Judy say about Cracker Justice?
A 70-year-old Florida Cracker was driving on a highway standing through the sun roof, and speeding over 100 mph
Oh my, hmmmm, uh, oh, what, he said that?
Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never cease to amaze. Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Bureau Chief and sister Cindy Mamelian for another bizarre story about a Florida Cracker, aka, Florida Man.
A Florida Cracker is normally a docile species, Salt of the Earth if you will. But, when a Florida Cracker starts drinking or taking drugs, it’s all bets off. The Florida Cracker hopped-up is an accident waiting to happen. Normally the hopped-up Cracker wrecks havoc with a Gun or Knife. That is not the case here.
Florida Highway Patrol Troopers arrested 70 year old Cracker Leonard Olsen after he was seen standing through a sun roof as the car continued to speed down Interstate 4 in Polk County.
An off-duty Hillsborough County Sheriff’s deputy was behind Cracker Olsen when he stood up while driving westbound on I-4 at a high rate of speed. Video captured Olsen standing up in a White Cadillac with his arms spread open. The fact that this Cracker was driving a Cadillac is in itself strange, as we know that the vehicle of choice for Crackers are Pick Up Trucks with Gun Racks.
In a sworn witness interview, the Hillsborough County Deputy said Oslen “bounced back and forth in the center lane…and sped up to over 100 miles per hour and slowed to about 40 miles per hour.”
When asked why he did it, Cracker Olsen told troopers he wanted to praise God. “I thought it would be a nice way to praise God for a minute, and I thought it would be nice at the time and that’s what I did.” Oh my, hmmmm, uh, oh, what, he said that?
Justifying why he was not danger to the public, Cracker Olsen went on say: “The car drivers itself and has a gigantic computer in it.” Oh my, hmmmm, uh, oh, what, he said that?
Authorities might have determined Cracker Olsen’s motive when he said: “My wife treats me like a servant and she’s the mistress, Lock me up, I’d rather go to jail than go back home.” Oh my, hmmmm, uh, oh, what, he said that?
Cracker Olsen was charged with reckless driving. He remains in the Polk County Jail on a $21,000 bond as his wife refused to post his Bail.
A Florida Crackerette pulled an alligator out of her pants during a traffic stop in Punta Gorda, FL.
Sarkes provides details left out of the national news reports of this story.
Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never cease to amaze. Charlotte County Sheriffs Deputies and Florida Wildlife officials had to investigate a routine traffic stop in Punta Gorda, FL which is 45 miles north of Sarkeses Crib in Bontia Springs, FL.
In the past, Sarkes has reported on Crackeretts hiding many things down their pants and in their Vaginas, including drugs and Heat (Guns). But hiding a wild, Foot Long alligator by her Snatch is a first for Sarkes.
Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Beat Reporter and sister Cindy Mamelian for another bizarre story of antics by the Florida Cracker.
Florida Cracker Michael Cody Clemons and Crackerette Ariel Michelle Marchan-Le Quire were driving a Blue Chevy Pickup truck in Punta Gorda when they ran a Stop sign at 3:15 am. The Pickup truck is the vehicle of choice for the Florida Cracker, usually with a gun rack.
When Charlotte County Sheriffs Deputies questioned Cracker Clemons, he said he and Marchan-Le Quire had been collecting frogs and snakes from under a nearby overpass. When asked to see what they had captured, Cracker Clemons showed the Deputies a sack of 41 small three-stripe turtles.
The Deputies then asked, “Do you have anything else?” At that, Marchan-Le Quire pulled a foot-long alligator out of the yoga pants she was wearing.
According to the incident report, the state’s Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission seized the animals and released them back into the wild. Cracker Clemons and Crackerette Marchan-Le Quire were cited for violations of state wildlife laws.
Now that is all on this story one would get if reading the standard news outlets. But Sarkes Corner, Fair and Balanced, digs deeper when something doesn’t smell right, like the stench of wild turtles and an alligator.
After filing a request under the Freedom of Information Act, the Charlotte County Sheriffs office provide Sarkes a copy of the Police Report of this incident.
From the Charlotte County Sheriffs police report, Sarkes learned that:
Sheriffs deputies approached the Pickup truck with caution given that it was 3:15 am and the Pickup had just ran a Stop sign.
The deputies reported that Cracker Clemons was cooperative but that something did not seem right with the passenger.
Deputies stated that while the passenger looked like a women (they spotted Ta Tas, the passenger also had a bulge in his/her pants.
Not yet having gone thru the required training for Florida Deputies on how to address Transgender Perps, these Charlotte County Sheriffs Deputies called for Back Up.
The Deputies were relieved when Crackerette Marchan-Le Quire pulled the Foot Long Gator out of here pants.
Sarkes ponders that when the incident was over, did the relieved Charlotte County Deputy reflect on that classic quote from iconic actress Mae West when she said: “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”
“Many People Say” Sarkes, did the Orange Lothario Tap Mae West? Since Mae West died in 1980, it’s quite possible as Mae West was Blonde with Big Ta Tas, but we may never know.