Come Back With a Warrant

Executive Summary:

– The Florida Cracker has many unique characteristics

– Humor is one of those characteristics

Drugs were found at a Cracker home in Palm Coast, FL.  That in itself is common in a Cracker home.  But what made this a unique story is that a  welcome mat at the front door read “come back with a warrant” — and that’s just what deputies did, finding drugs, including fentanyl, and drug paraphernalia inside. 

The Crackers in this home sent a strong Challenge to law enforcement

Fentanyl is 50 times stronger than Heroin and 100 times stronger than Morphine.  In 2018, the DEA stated that as little as two milligrams of Fentanyl would be a lethal dose for most people.

Crackers are ever increasingly migrating from Crack Cocaine to Fentanyl

“This poison peddler had a doormat that said, ‘Come back with a warrant,’ so we did,” Flagler County Sheriff Rick Staly said. “Our detectives did a great job in following up on tips received on this residence. We still have some follow-up work to do, but for now the deadly drugs and syringes seized are off the streets.”

Sheriff Staly was just following the instructions on the Door Mat

Investigators say there were four Crackers inside and one Cracker child.  The Florida Department of Children and Families were contacted and took possession of the child. 

Young Crackers are so innocent but often go bad in their teens

Caronavirus Explained

Executive Summary:

  • The Orange Potentate does a 2 hour Caronavirus briefing nightly
  • The briefings from the Orange Excellency are often Strange and Confusing
  • Sometimes, a simple explanation is the best

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor Georgie Taylor for his in-depth interview with a Florida Crackerette.

While most Florida Crackers are lucky to graduate from High School, that does not mean that they do not posses “street smarts”.   Georgie Taylor was able to get a Crackerette from Jacksonville to explain how the Caronavirus is contracted and why there is no Caronavirus in Jacksonville:

Sarkes believes that this Crackertte has a better handle on Caronavirus than our Orange Premier, and she should be doing the nightly Caronavirus briefings. 

A Cracker Protest

Executive Summary:

– The Florida Cracker may be simple person, but can be innovative at times

– A Cracker has taken social protesting to new levels

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Special Correspondence and Sister Cindy Mamelian for this rare story of Cracker innovation.  

The Florida Cracker is not always the sharpest knife in the drawer, but when not hopped up with booze or drugs, the Cracker can be quite innovative.  Such is the case with Cracker Jordan Mazurek.

Cracker Mazurek encased his arms in barrels full of Concrete, outside the governor’s mansion in Tallahassee on Friday, in protest of the state’s continuing to hold prisoners amid the coronavirus pandemic.

Cracker Mazurek is concerned about the impact of the Caronavirus in crowded Florida Hoosegows
Cracker Mazurek cemented his arms in Concrete to protest

Tallahassee police arrested Cracker Mazurek around 10:30 a.m. after they cut him out of two 55-gallon drums of Concrete that were connected by PVC pipe.

Cracker Mazurek is heading to the Hoosegow, a second home to the Cracker

Cracker Mazurek was first seen outside the mansion, where Florida Governor Ron Desantis, a Republican, lives, at 6 a.m.  “Many People Say” that Desantis had stuck his head in a barrel of Concrete when he declared that WWE Wrestling was an “Essential” Business.

The “Signer” on the Left could not figure out how to “Sign” that WWE was an “Essential” Business

Cracker Mazurek wore a surgical mask and sat between the two black drums painted in white letters — one said “stop the massacre,” while the other read “free prisoners now” — in protest of the living conditions of those who remain imprisoned amid the pandemic. At least four Florida inmates have died and thousands have been quarantined by the state. Cracker Mazurek must be given credit for wearing a Mask and maintaining Social Distancing protocols.

Give him credit, Cracker Mazurek followed all Coronavirus protocols

While one wonders how cementing ones hands in Concrete relates to conditions in the Florida Hoosegows, credit must be given to Cracker Mazurek for a new innovation in social peaceful protesting.  The benchmark for peaceful social protest, Ghandi and MLK, would be proud of Cracker Mazurek.

Ghandi and MLK never used Concrete in their peaceful protests

Cracker Gender Reveal Party Gone Bad

Executive Summary:

  • Gender Reveal Parties are now all the Craze
  • The Florida Cracker has taken the Gender Reveal Party to a new level

At times, Sarkes fells like the Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer that starred on Saturday Night Live in 1991.   Sometimes the ways of this modern world are strange and scary to Sarkes.  Thus is the case with the phenomena of Gender Reveal Parties.

Like Sarkes, The Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer from SNL would not understand Gender Reveal Parties

Sarkes and Chris did not know the Gender of children Cathy, Caryn and David before their birth.  Heck, we did not even know that Cathy and Caryn were twins.  That’s the way it was in the early 1980s.

Chris and Sarkes had no idea that Twins Cathy and Caryn were on the way
Baby David could have been a girl, who knew in the 1980’s

It wasn’t until a few years ago that Sarkes was invited to a Gender Reveal Party.  Obviously, Sarkes had no idea what he was walking into.  

A Gender Reveal Party is a celebration during which parents, friends and family find out the sex of a baby. This has become possible with the increasing accuracy of various technologies of determining the baby’s sex before birth.

Sarkes finds out that there are many derivatives of Gender Reveal Parties.  Gender Reveal Parties come in a few broad types: Parties where everyone knows the Gender of the baby but the parents. Parties where only the parents know the Gender of the baby, and want to surprise loved ones. Parties where only one person knows the Gender of the baby, and wants to surprise the parents and loved ones.   What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.

Balloons are popular to reveal the Gender of the Baby

Gender Reveal Parties are typically held near the middle of the pregnancy.   One thing they have in common is that something is done to reveal something Pink, denoting a Female, or Blue, denoting a Male.  Common sources that Reveal are cakes, piñatas, bath robes, ballons, silly string, etc.  What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.

Cakes can reveal the Gender of a Baby and feed a Crowd

There is general consensus that Gender Reveal Parties started around 2008.  Yeah, the Gender Reveal Party makes Sarkes fell like the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, strange and scary.  Needless to say, Sarkes has been to the one Gender Reveal Party and that will be the last one.  

Sarkes will pass on future Gender Reveal Parties and will relax with a quality cup of Coffee, Black, not Pink or Blue

Crackers too have Gender Reveal Parties.  In addition to the parents, friends, and loved ones, the Cracker Gender Reveal Party adds two additional elements:  Booze and Firearms. 

Alas, one such Cracker Gender Reval Party in Brevard County ended up with a disastrous 10-acre brush fire.  Firefighters were called to a home after reports that a blaze was possibly ignited by fireworks.  But when they arrived, firefighters realized that explosives had caused the fire.

Fire Investigators found that a Cracker Gender Reveal Party had been conducted with a Box filled with Tannerite, a highly explosive substance, and colored powder, and then shot with a rifle.  What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.

This box was filled with Explosives and shot by a rifle toting Cracker

After the Cracker shot the box of Explosives, the blaze quickly burned out of control burning 10 acres before being completely contained after several hours.  This is the Dry season in Florida and there is a Burn Ban in Brevard county that prohibits outdoor activities such as campfires, bonfires and trash burning.  Apparently, the Crackers involved with this Gender Reveal Party did not think that a box of Explosives were prohibited under the Burn Ban.

While Crackers know their Firearms, they are not certified on Explosives

Also, the Gender Reveal Party took place as the coronavirus outbreak escalates and after Florida Governor Ron DeSantis issued a stay-at-home order for state residents.  Apparently, the Crackers who planned this must have believed that their Gender Reveal Party was allowed under the stay-at-home order. 

Crackers believe that they are exempt from orders from Governor DeSantis

Sarkes in on Record.  The Florida Cracker is a happy go lucky, generous person.  BUT, when alcohol and Firearms are introduced in any Cracker activity, like a Gender Reveal Party, that is a formula for Disaster.

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek Gone Bad

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida woman is accused of zipping her boyfriend in suitcase while playing Hide-and-Go-Seek
  • Tragically, the boyfriend was left in the suitcase and died

Sarkes thanks Washington DC Sarkes Corner Contributor Cheryl Katz and St. Louis Sarkes Corner Contributor Dr. Chuckie Kofron for this sad story of a Cracker passing.  

Until the time that Sarkes and Chris moved to Florida in 2009, Sarkeses family and friends had never heard about the booze / drug antics of the Florida Cracker.  To this day, many subscribers of Sarkes Corner charge that Sarkes makes up these stories about the Florida Cracker to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Sarkes is a Truth Machine, and Sarkes Corner is a Fair & Balanced publication

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING – This Sarkes corner contains a graphic and uncomfortable cell phone transcript WARNING, WARNING, WARNING

Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never ceases to amaze.  When not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, the Florida Cracker is a friendly species, Salt of the Earth if you will.  But:  A Cracker + Booze and/or Drugs = A formula for Disaster.  

Crackerette Sarah Boone, 42, of Winter Park, faces a charge of second-degree murder in the death of Jorge Torres Jr.  Crackerette Boone said she was playing a game of Hide-and-Go-Seek with Cracker Torres when she zipped him into a suitcase thinking it would be fun. 

Who would have thought that a man could fit into a suitcase, go figure

Hmmm, it has been over 50 years, 50!, since Sarkes has played Hide-and-Go-Seek, but Sarkes does not remember Hide-and-Go-Seek being played like these Crackers.  Sarkes and his childhood friends would hide behind trees, furniture, etc.  Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek obviously has a different set of rules, with alcohol and/or drugs as a critical element. 

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek is a much different game than the kids version

During the playing of Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek, Crackerette Boone went upstairs and passed out, obviously forgetting that Cracker Torres was still in the suitcase.  Crackerette Boone finally woke up to her cellphone ringing.  Crackerette Boone then realized Cracker Torres was still in the suitcase where she found him unresponsive.  Sober enough to use her cell phone, Crackerette Boone called 911.  Emergency responders came to the home and confirmed that Cracker Torres had died.  Tragic

Sadly, Paramedics could not help Cracker Torres

During the investigation, the Sheriff’s office said Cracker Boone’s statements were “inconsistent” with Cellphone Footage.  Cell Phone Footage, huh, um, ah, what.  Obviously, Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek involves taping the event on a Cell Phone.  huh,um, ah, what.  

On the Cell Phone Tape, Cracker Torres can be heard screaming for help in the suitcase while Crackerette Boone chides him.  Also, Cracker Torres can be heard asking for help, to which Crackerette Boone replies, “For everything you’ve done to me, f— you!”

Cracker Torres continued: ”I can’t f—ing breathe, seriously,”   Crackerette Boone replied:  ”Yeah, that’s what you do when you choke me, that’s what I feel like when you cheat on me,”  As Cracker Torres continued to plea, Crackerette Torres shouted:  “shut the f— up,”

Sarah Boone, under the influence of alcohol, is one angry Crackerette

It doesn’t take a Statistician or Mathematics Professor to solve this Equation:,  A Cracker + Booze and/or Drugs = A formula for Disaster. 

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek resulted in Crackerette Boone heading to the Hoosegow

Woman Passes out while Walking Baby in a Stroller

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida Woman Passes out while Walking a Baby in a Stroller
  • And, she had a nearly Fatal Blood Alcohol Level of .338

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Corespondent and Sister Cindy Mamelian for yet another story of a Florida Cracker gone bad. 

Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never cease to amaze.

A Clearwater, FL Crackerette Woman, Stephanie Saladino, 46, passed out while walking an infant in a stroller on a public sidewalk. 

Emergency crews responded to Bay Esplanade around 2:45 p.m. after Crackerette  Saladino was found on a public sidewalk next to a stroller where an 11-month-old Cracker child was sleeping.   First Responders also reported that they found alcohol in Crackerette Saladino’s belongings.

Thank God the Cracker Baby was not harmed

Crackerette Saladino and the Cracker baby were transported to a local hospital.  Nurses told police that Crackerette Saladino had a blood alcohol level of .338, four times over the legal driving limit and nearly fatal.  It is not clear if Crackerette Saladino was Packing Heat, as is the case with most Crackers.  

Crackerette Saladino was passed out so a Breathalyzer Test could not be performed

While a Blood Alcohol level of .338 might kill most people, not so with Florida Crackers who build up an immunity to mass quantities of alcohol

According to the arrest report, Crackerete Saladino told police she drank wine before taking the Cracker child on a walk, and ultimately passed out on the sidewalk.  The Cracker child is currently in custody of the Child Protection Investigator for the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

Crackerette Saladino is now in the Hoosegow, like most Crackers, she could not make Bail

A Racist Cracker Pilot

Executive Summary:

  • A Cracker was charged after writing Racist Graffiti on an airport bathroom wall
  • The Angry White Man’s Graffiti is second class compared to the African American and Hispanic Graffiti 

WARNING WARNING WARNING – This Sarkes Corner contains offensive and Uncomfortable language, but is true none the less.  WARNING WARNING WARNING

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Florida Corespondent and Sister Cindy Mamelian for this disturbing story of a Racist Cracker.

A commercial pilot, James Ellis Dees, has been charged with criminal mischief after writing Racist and Pro-Trump graffiti at the Tallahassee, Florida, airport.

Pilot Racist Cracker Dees took time between Flights to draw Racist Graffiti

Racist Cracker Dees was a pilot for Endeavor Air, a subsidiary of Delta Airlines, was charged with nine counts of criminal mischief.  Racist Cracker Dees admitted that he wrote slurs like:

“MAGA”

“MAGA = NO Niggers and NO Spics”

“TRUMP4EVER”

“Send them ALL Back”

“Lock Them Up”

While Racist Dees should have been checking out his airplane, he spewed this Racist Graffiti, multiple times, in the Tallahasse airport bathrooms and parking lot elevators.   

Endeavor Air flies Regional Jets for Delta Airlines

Endeavor Air made a statement:  “These actions in no way reflect the values of Endeavor Air and this individual is no longer employed by the airline.”  That is code for the Racist Cracker Dees got the Old Heave Ho.

If you flew a Delta Regional Jet in these Cities, Racist Cracker Dees could have been your Pilot

Police suspected that the Racist messages against African Americans and Hispanics was done by an Angry White Man.  The police noted:  “Some of the graffiti was done using red or blue markers and erased easily, and some was done using a black permanent marker which took some effort on behalf of maintenance to remove.”  Any city dweller knows that Graffiti done by African Americans and Hispanics are done with permanent Paint and are often works of Art.

African Americans and Hispanics would never use “Markers” for their Graffiti

Racist Cracker Dees, not the sharpest Racist in the KKK, was caught WHITE  HANDED on Surveillance Cameras that recorded Racist Cracker Dees writing the Racist Graffiti.  Racist Cracker Dees is a serial Racist as Police reported 20 incidents of Racial graffiti in the past year.  

Racist Cracker Dees admitted to writing “some of it but not all” of the Racist Graffiti.  Racist Cracker Dees is either a lier or there are other White Suprematists working at the Tallahassee airport.  

Racist Cracker Dees told Police that he had “been going through a really tough time and has anger issues.”  You think!

Many Sarkes Corner readers have lived sheltered lives and tell Sarkes that he must be making this stuff up.  Many of you have never encountered the likes of Racist Cracker Dee.  But Contre Mon Fare, these Racists have always been around.  In the past 3 years, under the Banner of MAGA, these Racists and White Suprematists have crawled out from under their Rocks and have been embolden too “MAWA”, Make America White Again.  In our Civilized Society, this may be the Racists Last Stand. 

Racist Cracker Dees has many White Brothers who share his beliefs and want to MAWA

Another Cracker Shooting

Executive Summary:

  • Florida Cracker, playing “cowboy”, shoots himself in leg
  • He did what, huh, mmmmmmmm

Thanks to sister and Sarkes Corner Florida Bureau contributor, Cindy Mamelian, for another story about a Florida Cracker with a gun.

36-year-old Matthew Noffsinger Jr. accidentally shot himself in the leg while “Playing Cowboy”.  Sarkes has never seen a Floridian “Play Cowboy”.   Based on what Sarkes has seen on Movies, “Playing Cowboy” must include riding horses and shooting guns.  

One must have a horse and gun to Play Cowboy

You see, in Sarkeses gated Golf Course community, the only thing that the Rich, Old, White guys ride are Golf Carts, and the only thing that they are shooting is Golf.

Rich, Old, White Floridians love their Golf and riding Golf Carts

Initially, Cracker Noffsinger lied about the incident because, as a Felon, he’s not supposed to own a gun.  Cracker Noffsinger told the police that he was in the woods when somebody shot him.  The Cracker was an innocent victim.

A Florida Cracker, when painted into a corner, defaults to lying 

Police questioned Cracker Noffsinger about why he had an entrance and exit wound straight down his leg.  That’s when Cracker Noffsinger admitted that he was “playing cowboy” with a .22 revolver when he accidentally shot himself.

The Florida Cracker likes the feel of the .22 caliber revolver

Cracker Noffsinger stated that he lied because he’s a convicted felon and he’s not supposed to be in possession of a gun.  To make matters worse, a wallet containing four credit cards and an ID that didn’t belong to Cracker Noffsinger were found in his backpack.  Of course, Cracker Noffsinger told police that he just found those items. 

Cracker Noffsinger is in the Hoosegow as he could not make Bail.  No surprise there. 

Pregnant Cracker Packs Heat

Executive Summary:

  • A Pregnant Florida Crackerette uses an AR-15 to fatally shoot an armed intruder
  • Two armed men broke into the Crackerette’s house and pistol whipped the Cracker husband before the Crackerette wife pulled out her AR-15 and opened fire

Thanks to Sarkes Corner St. Louis Contributor Lenny Harding who specializes on stories about Florida Crackers packing Heat.  Lenny Harding is a descendent of our 29th President, Warren Harding.  Republican Warren Harding was President from 1921 until his death in 1923 from Heart issues.  Like most Presidents, Warren Harding was a Sniffer having extramarital affair with Nan Britton.  Also know for the Teapot Dome scandal, involving the development of oil reserves in Wyoming, Harding is often rated as one of our worst presidents.  But Sarkes knows Lenny Harding, and he is no Warren Harding.

Warren Harding was a typical Scandalous, P-Grabbing US President

Sarkes digresses, back on Point.

A pregnant Florida Crackerette, armed with an AR-15, gunned down one of two home invaders who had broken in her home and were pistol whipping her husband.   The deadly confrontation happened at about 9 p.m in Lithia, Florida, about 25 miles southeast of downtown Tampa.

After the woman fired one shot from the family’s AR-15-style rifle, both men fled and the mortally wounded robber collapsed in a drainage ditch outside where he died.  The Crackertte expressed concern that she did not know how to squeeze off multiple rounds, only getting off 1 shot.

The AR-15, the weapon of choice for the Heat Packing Cracker

Deputies are still searching for the other robber. The dead robber was described by deputies as a man in his late 20s, but he was not immediately identified.

Hillsborough County Sherrif said:  ”Two unknown males broke in and made demands of them. The male victim, who is the homeowner, began to get pistol-whipped and beat up.  During that incident, the female homeowner retrieved a firearm, which was in the house legally, and fired one round which struck the male victim that was found deceased in the ditch.”

Homeowner Cracker Jeremy King said he’d be dead if not for his fast-thinking, eight-months-pregnant wife. He said both home invaders had pistols and they fired one shot. 

Cracker King, like most Crackers, hasn’t mastered English, but speaking in “Merican” said:  “Them guys came in with two normal pistols and my AR stopped it.  My wife evened the playing field and kept them from killing me.”

The AR-15 evens the playing field for the Crackerette

Cracker King suffered a fractured eye socket, a fractured sinus cavity and a concussion to go along with 20 stitches from the attack, but no more than he would suffer in a Cracker bar room brawl.  Cracker King said he and wife did not know their attackers.  Cracker King, like most Salt of the Earth Floridian Crackers, live paycheck to paycheck, but cannot live without their AR-15’s and Large Capacity Magazines.

Jeremy King is a typical Florida Cracker, Dirt Poor but Weapon Rich

But, the Hills County Sherrif said:  “We also know this was not a random act.  This family was probably targeted.”  Sarkes interprets this for his naive readers of Sarkes Corner:  “This was a Meth deal gone back.”

Like the NRA Poster says:  “It takes a good guy with a gun to stop a bad guy with a gun”.

The Great American Leader of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre said it best

When told about this incident, the Orange Glock said:  “Good, that Human Scum Robber got what he deserved.  When I win reelection in 2020, I will pass legislation to require that each homeowner have at least 1 semi-automatic weapon to protect us Great Americans from Mexican Rapists, Criminals, and Drug Lords”

Republican Herbert Hoover promised a “Chicken for every Pot”
The Orange Lugar promises a “Semi-automatic gun for every home”

A Castration Gone Bad

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida man was arrested after botching an in-home castration surgery
  • OUCH! 

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Special Corespondent and sister Cindy Mamelian for another story about the antics of Florida Man, the Florida Cracker.

Florida deputies have arrested a man for attempting to perform a castration inside his Highlands County, FL home.   Highlands County is in South Central Florida.  Lake Okeechobee is in the center of Highlands County.  Highlands County is Ground Zero for the Florida Cracker.

Deputies were called to 74-year-old Florida Cracker Gary Van Ryswyk’s home in Sebring, FL.  When they arrived, Cracker Van Ryswyk told a deputy he had just performed a castration on a man and encountered some major issues. Deputies found a victim on a bed, bleeding heavily, with a towel over his groin.

What?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

Cracker Van Ryswyk performs Castrations in his home, a great value

The victim was flown to a nearby hospital and is said to be stable.  During their investigation, deputies found two body parts in a pink container, presumed to have belonged to the victim.

What 2 Body Parts?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

Cracker Van Ryswyk had set up a room to look like a surgical center and had medical equipment and painkillers inside.  A camera was also set up to record the procedure.  Van Ryswyk told deputies he had met the victim on a the dark web on a site geared toward people who have a Castration Fetish.

What is a Castration Fetish?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

According to Police, Cracker Van Ryswyk told the victim that he had experience performing Castrations on animals and had even removed one of his own testicles in 2012.

He removed WHAT?, Oh My, are you kidding me, OUCH!

Cracker Van Ryswyk was arrested and charged with practicing medicine without a license resulting in bodily injury, a second-degree felony.  His bond was set at $250,000.

Sarkes Corner Medical Reporters were able to interview Cracker Van Ryswyk in the Highland County Hoosegow.  Cracker Van Ryswyk, one of the Orange Johnsons Base, and a staunch Republican, blamed his actions on ObamaCare.  Cracker Van Ryswyk said that voluntary Castrations are not covered by ObamaCare and he was performing a Public Service. 

Like Sarkeses Conservative friends always say: “Its all Obamas fault”

If ObamaCare covered voluntary Castrations, Cracker Van Ryswyk’s victim would still have his Ying Yang and/or Boys