Special Report: Animals Attacks on Bikers

Executive Summary:

– This Sarkes Corner Special Report investigates Animals that attack bicyclists

– While these events may seem to be unrelated, is this really a conspiracy against mankind by the Animal Kingdom?

Thanks to Crack Sarkes Corner Investigative Reporter Lenny Harding for his in-depth analysis of animal attacks on bicyclists.  Lenny Harding is a relative of our 29th President, Warren Harding.  Republican Warren Harding only served 2 1/2 years as President and died in office.  “Many People Say” Harding was poisoned by his Wife, Florence Harding, as Harding was a Tier 1 Cockhound, having several extra marital affairs.  Harding was best known for the famous Tea Pot Scandal.  All in all, Warren Harding was not a shining star of the GOP. 

Harding and Trump have much in common, both are Orange and Serial P-Grabbers

While not as good as Sarkes in connecting the dots, Investigative Reporter Lenny Harding saw a connection with Animals attacking bicyclists.  While Sarkes only needs 1 data point (Dot) to make an inference, it took Investigative Reporter Lenny Harding 4 data points to break this story:

  1. Iguana attacks cyclists in Florida

A Florida man was recently injured in a bicycle crash after an Iguana unexpectedly darted into his path.  The Florida man was riding his bike in Marathon when the reptile ran out in front of him and caused him to crash.

According to the cyclist, the Iguana became lodged in between the front tire and front wheel fork of the bicycle, causing the front tire to lock.  The cyclist flew over the handlebars and onto the asphalt.  The stomach of the iguana was restrained in the fork of the tire, leaving the reptile unable to breathe.  The iguana was DOA at a local animal hospital

The vicious attack by the Iguana left the cyclist injured and the Iguana DOA

2.  Kangaroo attacks cyclist in Australia

A Peloton of Cyclists were riding along a dusty road in eastern Australia when they observed a couple of small Kangaroos to their left.  Suddenly, a much larger Kangaroo lunges at the Peloton of Cyclists attacking one of the Cyclists.  In this case, neither the Kangaroo or the Cyclists were severely injured. 


This was one angry Kangaroo!

3.  Dog attacks Tour de France Rider

Marcus Berghardt, of Team Telekom, was hanging on at the back of the Peleton when suddenly a Golden Retriever decided it was time to cross the road. Unfortunately, Burghardt didn’t see the dog until it was right in front of him. There was a violent crash. Burghardt’s front wheel snapped in half instantly upon impact, scrapping a $500 carbon fiber wheel.  Miraculously, neither Burghardt nor the dog suffered any injuries from the collision.

Carbon Fiber wheels are no match for a big Pooch

4.  Squirrel attacks cyclist in Upstate New York

Sarkes neighbor in Florida, Georgie Taylor, is a snowbird from upstate New York.  One of Georgies neighbors was out for leisurely ride one afternoon.  While taking in the beautiful scenery around the Erie Canal, the bicyclist was viciously attached by a rabid squirrel.  The attacking squirrel barely missed the rider but met an untimely demise when it got wedged in the rear wheel of the bicycle.  

This squirrel will be hiding no more nuts

Investigative Reporter Lenny Harding makes the inference that these seemingly unrelated attacks on cyclists (different continents, different animals, different types of bicycles) are really an organized plot by the Animal Kingdom to wipe out Mankind.

You see, Humans have not been kind to the Animal Kingdom.  Animals are slaughtered for our Big Macs, Mankind has taken the Animals natural environment thru the building of sprawling Suburbs, and Hunters around the world continue to “Thin Out the Herd”.  Like the Orange Rocky, the Animal Kingdom is Counter Punching, one Cyclist at a time. 

Investigative Reporter Lenny Hardings findings will surely lead him to winning a Nobel Prize in one of several categories: Science, Literature, or Peace.  It’s quite possible that Lenny Harding could win multiple Nobel Prizes for the same story.

The publication of this story is not without risk.  Investigative Reporter Lenny Harding must now wear sunglasses for disguise so as not to be attacked by an animal when riding his bike.  Sarkes has it on good authority that there is a bounty on Lenny Harding by the Animal Kingdom. 

If you look closely, you will see a family resemblance between Lenny and Warren Harding