Caronavirus Explained

Executive Summary:

  • The Orange Potentate does a 2 hour Caronavirus briefing nightly
  • The briefings from the Orange Excellency are often Strange and Confusing
  • Sometimes, a simple explanation is the best

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor Georgie Taylor for his in-depth interview with a Florida Crackerette.

While most Florida Crackers are lucky to graduate from High School, that does not mean that they do not posses “street smarts”.   Georgie Taylor was able to get a Crackerette from Jacksonville to explain how the Caronavirus is contracted and why there is no Caronavirus in Jacksonville:

Sarkes believes that this Crackertte has a better handle on Caronavirus than our Orange Premier, and she should be doing the nightly Caronavirus briefings. 

A Cracker Protest

Executive Summary:

– The Florida Cracker may be simple person, but can be innovative at times

– A Cracker has taken social protesting to new levels

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Special Correspondence and Sister Cindy Mamelian for this rare story of Cracker innovation.  

The Florida Cracker is not always the sharpest knife in the drawer, but when not hopped up with booze or drugs, the Cracker can be quite innovative.  Such is the case with Cracker Jordan Mazurek.

Cracker Mazurek encased his arms in barrels full of Concrete, outside the governor’s mansion in Tallahassee on Friday, in protest of the state’s continuing to hold prisoners amid the coronavirus pandemic.

Cracker Mazurek is concerned about the impact of the Caronavirus in crowded Florida Hoosegows
Cracker Mazurek cemented his arms in Concrete to protest

Tallahassee police arrested Cracker Mazurek around 10:30 a.m. after they cut him out of two 55-gallon drums of Concrete that were connected by PVC pipe.

Cracker Mazurek is heading to the Hoosegow, a second home to the Cracker

Cracker Mazurek was first seen outside the mansion, where Florida Governor Ron Desantis, a Republican, lives, at 6 a.m.  “Many People Say” that Desantis had stuck his head in a barrel of Concrete when he declared that WWE Wrestling was an “Essential” Business.

The “Signer” on the Left could not figure out how to “Sign” that WWE was an “Essential” Business

Cracker Mazurek wore a surgical mask and sat between the two black drums painted in white letters — one said “stop the massacre,” while the other read “free prisoners now” — in protest of the living conditions of those who remain imprisoned amid the pandemic. At least four Florida inmates have died and thousands have been quarantined by the state. Cracker Mazurek must be given credit for wearing a Mask and maintaining Social Distancing protocols.

Give him credit, Cracker Mazurek followed all Coronavirus protocols

While one wonders how cementing ones hands in Concrete relates to conditions in the Florida Hoosegows, credit must be given to Cracker Mazurek for a new innovation in social peaceful protesting.  The benchmark for peaceful social protest, Ghandi and MLK, would be proud of Cracker Mazurek.

Ghandi and MLK never used Concrete in their peaceful protests

More WWE Wrestling

Executive Summary:

  • Florida Governor DeSantis has declared that WWE Wrestling is an “Essential Service”
  • The next day, several WWE Superstars were given the Old Heave Ho

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor and sister Cindy Mamelian for this timely story about WWE Wrestling.  Sarkes does not know if Cindy  is a WWE Wrestling fan or not.

Thanks to the clueless Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, WWE Wrestling, in Orlando, was declared an “Essential Service”, becoming the only American sport to hold live matches.  When asked how WWE could be an “Essential” Business, Governor DeSantis said:  “As a brand that has been woven into the fabric of society, WWE and its Superstars bring families together and deliver a sense of hope, determination and perseverance.”  What, huh, um, he said what?

Well, DeSantis was a bit late on the draw.  WWE Wrestling announced it had released a number of its wrestler-performers.

Given the Old Heave Ho were Super Stars and Great Athletes: Drake Maverick, Zack Ryder, Curt Hawkins, Karl Anderson, Luke Gallows, Heath Slater, Eric Young, Rowan, Sarah Logan, No Way Jose, Mike Chioda, Mike Kanellis, Maria Kanellis, EC3, Aiden English, Lio Rush, Primo and Epico.

No Way Jose got thrown out of the WWE Ring, Literally
Primo was shocked that he got the Old Heave Ho
EC3’s mussels are all natural, no Steroids for EC3
Sarah Logan is one tough Philly, don’t mess with her

WWE Wrestling released a statement regarding budget cuts the company had to make in response to the coronavirus pandemic. The company said that it would reduce executive and board member compensation, decrease operating expenses and cut talent expenses.  As WWE Wrestling was giving these great athletes the Old Heave Ho, they Tweeted: “We wish them all the best in their future endeavors” 

WWE Wrestling continued:  ”Given the uncertainty of the situation, the Company also identified headcount reductions and made the decision to furlough a portion of its workforce effective immediately.  The fundamentals of the Company’s business remain strong reflecting the passion of WWE’s fans and the quality of its content.”  The budget cuts are estimated to save $4 million monthly and improve cash flow by $140 million, according to WWE.

When told about the WWE Wrestling Layoffs a day after he declared them an “Essential Service”, Florida Governor DeSantis said:  “I ah, its ah, um, No Comment”

Governor DeSantis was speechless when told about the WWE Layoffs

The Orange Grappler Tweeted:

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – April 16 @ 4:56AM

I am a Big Fan of the WWE, the biggest Fan.  Why did they layoff their Great Athletes after I gave them Free Money.  WWE are traitors and will pay the Price.  I will have my Personal Attorney, William Barr, initiate an investigation.  WWE will not get away with this.

The Orange Bruiser was the Best Wrestler in WWE History, History

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – April 16 @ 5:28AM

My experiences with WWE Wrestling made me the Great President that I am today.  I am the Greatest President of all time.   WWE taught me to be the  Great Counterpuncher I am today.  No one gives President Trump and shit, NOBODY!

The Orange Counterpuncher was Undefeated during his WWE career

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – April 16 @ 5:56AM

WWE is NOT FAKE!!!!!!!.  WWE are real athletes like me battling out mano un mano.  I became the biggest star in the WWE despite my painful Bone Spurs.  Now CNN and MSNBC are Fake, not WWE.  

Unlike CNN and MSNBC, WWE is NOT FAKE!!

Essential Businesses in Florida

Executive Summary:

– Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis, is trying to make life easy for Floridians

– Some of the  list of “Essential” businesses are unique to Florida

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributors and brothers Don and Dave Schepers for sending this story about some unique “Essential” businesses in Florida.  Both Schepers brothers are residents of Missouri, so it is understandable that they might be confused.

Sarkes has been called a hypocrite for his Florida-bashing all the while taking advantage of life in a gated Golf Course community.  The harsh truth is that Florida has two distinct populations.  The first, like Sarkes, live in gated, Golf Course Communities, most are transplants from “up north”.  The second, are native Floridians, salt of the earth, many of which are Crackers.  These two distinct Floridian populations don’t usually mix, but co-exist, crossing paths at Publix, CVS, etc. 

Sarkes is a Truth Machine and cannot make this stuff up

Sarkes, a Truth Machine, only reports, you decide.  Do not shoot the messenger.  

Like most States, Florida has published a list of “Essential” businesses that can stay open during the Stay-at-Home Coronavirus Protocols.  Logical businesses that are considered “Essential” in Florida include; Pharmacies, Grocery Stores, Gas Stations, Hardware Stores, Banks, Health Clinics, etc.  

But Florida has some unique “Essential” businesses that makes a non-Floridian scratch their heads. This list includes:

Pool Service Providers:  These essential businesses keep our swimming pools clean, balanced and safe.  While most all “public” pools are closed, the swimming pools in our Florida homes are essential to provide owners a place to cool off, water aerobics, rest and relaxation, essential for both the physical and mental health of Floridians.

Sarkes and Son David relaxing in the Korkoian Pool
Water Aerobics are one way to stay in shape during the Caronavirus sequestration 

Churches and Synagogues:  In most states, large assemblies of people have been prohibited.  Gathering of more than 10 people is the rule.  The same rule is in place Florida, EXCEPT for Churches and Synagogues.  Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said he believes churches and synagogues are serving an important role.  Defying any common sense in these pandemic times, Governor DeSantis has cow-towed to the Religious Right, allowing them to assemble as usual.  DeSantis said: “I think that the government has the authority to close the church. I’m certainly not going to do that.  In times like this I think what churches are doing is very important.”  What, huh, um, he did what?

Gov DeSantis is letting large congregations assemble to Praise The Lord, Amen

Alcohol Stores:  In these trying times, the Floridian needs the comfort of their beer, wine, or hard liquor.  Being cooped up with ones spouse and children 24/7 can cause stress and angst that can often be mitigated with a good stiff drink.  Both Floridian populations; the Gated Communities and the Salt of the Earth native Floridians, have one thing in common – they love their Booze. 

Floridian Booze Hounds need their hooch to get thru these stressful times

Fire Arms Stores:  Florida, the “Gunshine State” is the Benchmark state for the NRA.  The “Gunshine State” has issued over 2 Milion, Million, with an M, Concealed Carry Permits.  It is estimated that more than 2 Million Floridians are Packing Concealed Heat without a Permit.  Given the strong, NRA-bred, Gun culture in Florida, it is no surprise that Gun Shops are considered “Essential” businesses.  Florida Gun shops are experiencing record sales rivaling the Gun sales of Heat and Ammo during the Obama years.  

Fire Arms and Ammo are flying off the shelves in Florida Gun Shops

WWE Wrestling:  But probably the most bizarre Florida “Essential” Business is the WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment.   Not initially been deemed essential, the wrestling operation was subsequently deemed an essential business.  WWE is produced from a studio in Orlando.  When asked how WWE could be an “Essential” Business, Governor DeSantis said:  “As a brand that has been woven into the fabric of society, WWE and its Superstars bring families together and deliver a sense of hope, determination and perseverance.”  What, huh, um, he said what?

The WWE is wholesome entertainment and brings families together all across America
Sarkes prefers watching Judge Judy over the WWE

Sarkes has been recognized by the Statistical Academia community for being able to make an inference with just one data point.  Here, Sarkes has multiple data points.  While being sequestered with the Stay-at-Home Coronavirus protocols, Floridians can go out in public to buy Booze, Guns, and Ammo.  Sarkes infers that this is a formula for disaster.  

A Cooped up, Booze Hound, Floridian who packs Heat is a formula for disaster 

Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis is an Orange Oracle Stooge and NRA Lemming.  With the strong Leadership of Governor DeSantis, Floridians can; worship our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ next to thousands of their neighbors, and watch WWE Wrestling in the comfort of their homes with the knowledge that they are safe Packing Heat all while drinking their favorite Hooch.

Ron DeSantis is an Orange Oligarch Puppet

They are Howling at the Moon in Denver

Executive Summary:

  • Like most Americans, the good citizens of Denver, CO are going stir crazy
  • At 8:00 pm, they go outside and start howling

The city of Denver, CO is howling.  Yes, howling.  

Shelsea Ochoa and Brice Maiurro started the Facebook group “Go Outside and Howl at 8pm” on March 27. A little more than a week later, that Facebook group has more than 420,000 members, most from Colorado. 

Denverites Ochoa Maiurro could have been raised by a Pack of Wolves

So why are Denverites howling?  There’s not really a set reason. Some people howl to find joy in a communal experience. Others howl to grieve. Some howl to honor medical workers. Ochoa and Maiurro left the reasoning behind the howl open-ended. It’s up for you to decide. 

Denverites are Howling like a wild Wolf

Many of the Denverites say that there’s something innately enjoyable about howling. Maiurro suggests that it’s a mix of being given permission to do something so wild and hearing the call and response with your neighbors. Plus, “there’s something western about howling that people really enjoy.”

There’s something about the Denver Moon that makes one want to Howl

How does it work?

  • Step one: Note when the clock strikes 8 o’clock
  • Step two: Open up your window or step into your backyard
  • Step three: Howl.

Sarkeses cousin Tip Wilson and her husband Greg live in Denver and have heard the Howling but claim that they have not Howled.

Sarkes Cousins Tip, Greg, and Emily Wilson do not Howl at the Moon

Cracker Gender Reveal Party Gone Bad

Executive Summary:

  • Gender Reveal Parties are now all the Craze
  • The Florida Cracker has taken the Gender Reveal Party to a new level

At times, Sarkes fells like the Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer that starred on Saturday Night Live in 1991.   Sometimes the ways of this modern world are strange and scary to Sarkes.  Thus is the case with the phenomena of Gender Reveal Parties.

Like Sarkes, The Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer from SNL would not understand Gender Reveal Parties

Sarkes and Chris did not know the Gender of children Cathy, Caryn and David before their birth.  Heck, we did not even know that Cathy and Caryn were twins.  That’s the way it was in the early 1980s.

Chris and Sarkes had no idea that Twins Cathy and Caryn were on the way
Baby David could have been a girl, who knew in the 1980’s

It wasn’t until a few years ago that Sarkes was invited to a Gender Reveal Party.  Obviously, Sarkes had no idea what he was walking into.  

A Gender Reveal Party is a celebration during which parents, friends and family find out the sex of a baby. This has become possible with the increasing accuracy of various technologies of determining the baby’s sex before birth.

Sarkes finds out that there are many derivatives of Gender Reveal Parties.  Gender Reveal Parties come in a few broad types: Parties where everyone knows the Gender of the baby but the parents. Parties where only the parents know the Gender of the baby, and want to surprise loved ones. Parties where only one person knows the Gender of the baby, and wants to surprise the parents and loved ones.   What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.

Balloons are popular to reveal the Gender of the Baby

Gender Reveal Parties are typically held near the middle of the pregnancy.   One thing they have in common is that something is done to reveal something Pink, denoting a Female, or Blue, denoting a Male.  Common sources that Reveal are cakes, piñatas, bath robes, ballons, silly string, etc.  What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.

Cakes can reveal the Gender of a Baby and feed a Crowd

There is general consensus that Gender Reveal Parties started around 2008.  Yeah, the Gender Reveal Party makes Sarkes fell like the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, strange and scary.  Needless to say, Sarkes has been to the one Gender Reveal Party and that will be the last one.  

Sarkes will pass on future Gender Reveal Parties and will relax with a quality cup of Coffee, Black, not Pink or Blue

Crackers too have Gender Reveal Parties.  In addition to the parents, friends, and loved ones, the Cracker Gender Reveal Party adds two additional elements:  Booze and Firearms. 

Alas, one such Cracker Gender Reval Party in Brevard County ended up with a disastrous 10-acre brush fire.  Firefighters were called to a home after reports that a blaze was possibly ignited by fireworks.  But when they arrived, firefighters realized that explosives had caused the fire.

Fire Investigators found that a Cracker Gender Reveal Party had been conducted with a Box filled with Tannerite, a highly explosive substance, and colored powder, and then shot with a rifle.  What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.

This box was filled with Explosives and shot by a rifle toting Cracker

After the Cracker shot the box of Explosives, the blaze quickly burned out of control burning 10 acres before being completely contained after several hours.  This is the Dry season in Florida and there is a Burn Ban in Brevard county that prohibits outdoor activities such as campfires, bonfires and trash burning.  Apparently, the Crackers involved with this Gender Reveal Party did not think that a box of Explosives were prohibited under the Burn Ban.

While Crackers know their Firearms, they are not certified on Explosives

Also, the Gender Reveal Party took place as the coronavirus outbreak escalates and after Florida Governor Ron DeSantis issued a stay-at-home order for state residents.  Apparently, the Crackers who planned this must have believed that their Gender Reveal Party was allowed under the stay-at-home order. 

Crackers believe that they are exempt from orders from Governor DeSantis

Sarkes in on Record.  The Florida Cracker is a happy go lucky, generous person.  BUT, when alcohol and Firearms are introduced in any Cracker activity, like a Gender Reveal Party, that is a formula for Disaster.