The Orange Potentate does a 2 hour Caronavirus briefing nightly
The briefings from the Orange Excellency are often Strange and Confusing
Sometimes, a simple explanation is the best
Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor Georgie Taylor for his in-depth interview with a Florida Crackerette.
While most Florida Crackers are lucky to graduate from High School, that does not mean that they do not posses “street smarts”. Georgie Taylor was able to get a Crackerette from Jacksonville to explain how the Caronavirus is contracted and why there is no Caronavirus in Jacksonville:
Sarkes believes that this Crackertte has a better handle on Caronavirus than our Orange Premier, and she should be doing the nightly Caronavirus briefings.
– The Florida Cracker may be simple person, but can be innovative at times
– A Cracker has taken social protesting to new levels
Thanks to Sarkes Corner Special Correspondence and Sister Cindy Mamelian for this rare story of Cracker innovation.
The Florida Cracker is not always the sharpest knife in the drawer, but when not hopped up with booze or drugs, the Cracker can be quite innovative. Such is the case with Cracker Jordan Mazurek.
Cracker Mazurek encased his arms in barrels full of Concrete, outside the governor’s mansion in Tallahassee on Friday, in protest of the state’s continuing to hold prisoners amid the coronavirus pandemic.
Tallahassee police arrested Cracker Mazurek around 10:30 a.m. after they cut him out of two 55-gallon drums of Concrete that were connected by PVC pipe.
Cracker Mazurek was first seen outside the mansion, where Florida Governor Ron Desantis, a Republican, lives, at 6 a.m. “Many People Say” that Desantis had stuck his head in a barrel of Concrete when he declared that WWE Wrestling was an “Essential” Business.
Cracker Mazurek wore a surgical mask and sat between the two black drums painted in white letters — one said “stop the massacre,” while the other read “free prisoners now” — in protest of the living conditions of those who remain imprisoned amid the pandemic. At least four Florida inmates have died and thousands have been quarantined by the state. Cracker Mazurek must be given credit for wearing a Mask and maintaining Social Distancing protocols.
While one wonders how cementing ones hands in Concrete relates to conditions in the Florida Hoosegows, credit must be given to Cracker Mazurek for a new innovation in social peaceful protesting. The benchmark for peaceful social protest, Ghandi and MLK, would be proud of Cracker Mazurek.
Florida Governor DeSantis has declared that WWE Wrestling is an “Essential Service”
The next day, several WWE Superstars were given the Old Heave Ho
Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor and sister Cindy Mamelian for this timely story about WWE Wrestling. Sarkes does not know if Cindy is a WWE Wrestling fan or not.
Thanks to the clueless Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, WWE Wrestling, in Orlando, was declared an “Essential Service”, becoming the only American sport to hold live matches. When asked how WWE could be an “Essential” Business, Governor DeSantis said: “As a brand that has been woven into the fabric of society, WWE and its Superstars bring families together and deliver a sense of hope, determination and perseverance.” What, huh, um, he said what?
Well, DeSantis was a bit late on the draw. WWE Wrestling announced it had released a number of its wrestler-performers.
Given the Old Heave Ho were Super Stars and Great Athletes: Drake Maverick, Zack Ryder, Curt Hawkins, Karl Anderson, Luke Gallows, Heath Slater, Eric Young, Rowan, Sarah Logan, No Way Jose, Mike Chioda, Mike Kanellis, Maria Kanellis, EC3, Aiden English, Lio Rush, Primo and Epico.
WWE Wrestling released a statement regarding budget cuts the company had to make in response to the coronavirus pandemic. The company said that it would reduce executive and board member compensation, decrease operating expenses and cut talent expenses. As WWE Wrestling was giving these great athletes the Old Heave Ho, they Tweeted: “We wish them all the best in their future endeavors”
WWE Wrestling continued: ”Given the uncertainty of the situation, the Company also identified headcount reductions and made the decision to furlough a portion of its workforce effective immediately. The fundamentals of the Company’s business remain strong reflecting the passion of WWE’s fans and the quality of its content.” The budget cuts are estimated to save $4 million monthly and improve cash flow by $140 million, according to WWE.
When told about the WWE Wrestling Layoffs a day after he declared them an “Essential Service”, Florida Governor DeSantis said: “I ah, its ah, um, No Comment”
The Orange Grappler Tweeted:
Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – April 16 @ 4:56AM
I am a Big Fan of the WWE, the biggest Fan. Why did they layoff their Great Athletes after I gave them Free Money. WWE are traitors and will pay the Price. I will have my Personal Attorney, William Barr, initiate an investigation. WWE will not get away with this.
Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – April 16 @ 5:28AM
My experiences with WWE Wrestling made me the Great President that I am today. I am the Greatest President of all time. WWE taught me to be the Great Counterpuncher I am today. No one gives President Trump and shit, NOBODY!
Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – April 16 @ 5:56AM
WWE is NOT FAKE!!!!!!!. WWE are real athletes like me battling out mano un mano. I became the biggest star in the WWE despite my painful Bone Spurs. Now CNN and MSNBC are Fake, not WWE.
– Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis, is trying to make life easy for Floridians
– Some of the list of “Essential” businesses are unique to Florida
Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributors and brothers Don and Dave Schepers for sending this story about some unique “Essential” businesses in Florida. Both Schepers brothers are residents of Missouri, so it is understandable that they might be confused.
Sarkes has been called a hypocrite for his Florida-bashing all the while taking advantage of life in a gated Golf Course community. The harsh truth is that Florida has two distinct populations. The first, like Sarkes, live in gated, Golf Course Communities, most are transplants from “up north”. The second, are native Floridians, salt of the earth, many of which are Crackers. These two distinct Floridian populations don’t usually mix, but co-exist, crossing paths at Publix, CVS, etc.
Sarkes, a Truth Machine, only reports, you decide. Do not shoot the messenger.
Like most States, Florida has published a list of “Essential” businesses that can stay open during the Stay-at-Home Coronavirus Protocols. Logical businesses that are considered “Essential” in Florida include; Pharmacies, Grocery Stores, Gas Stations, Hardware Stores, Banks, Health Clinics, etc.
But Florida has some unique “Essential” businesses that makes a non-Floridian scratch their heads. This list includes:
Pool Service Providers: These essential businesses keep our swimming pools clean, balanced and safe. While most all “public” pools are closed, the swimming pools in our Florida homes are essential to provide owners a place to cool off, water aerobics, rest and relaxation, essential for both the physical and mental health of Floridians.
Churches and Synagogues: In most states, large assemblies of people have been prohibited. Gathering of more than 10 people is the rule. The same rule is in place Florida, EXCEPT for Churches and Synagogues. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said he believes churches and synagogues are serving an important role. Defying any common sense in these pandemic times, Governor DeSantis has cow-towed to the Religious Right, allowing them to assemble as usual. DeSantis said: “I think that the government has the authority to close the church. I’m certainly not going to do that. In times like this I think what churches are doing is very important.” What, huh, um, he did what?
Alcohol Stores: In these trying times, the Floridian needs the comfort of their beer, wine, or hard liquor. Being cooped up with ones spouse and children 24/7 can cause stress and angst that can often be mitigated with a good stiff drink. Both Floridian populations; the Gated Communities and the Salt of the Earth native Floridians, have one thing in common – they love their Booze.
Fire Arms Stores: Florida, the “Gunshine State” is the Benchmark state for the NRA. The “Gunshine State” has issued over 2 Milion, Million, with an M, Concealed Carry Permits. It is estimated that more than 2 Million Floridians are Packing Concealed Heat without a Permit. Given the strong, NRA-bred, Gun culture in Florida, it is no surprise that Gun Shops are considered “Essential” businesses. Florida Gun shops are experiencing record sales rivaling the Gun sales of Heat and Ammo during the Obama years.
WWE Wrestling: But probably the most bizarre Florida “Essential” Business is the WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment. Not initially been deemed essential, the wrestling operation was subsequently deemed an essential business. WWE is produced from a studio in Orlando. When asked how WWE could be an “Essential” Business, Governor DeSantis said: “As a brand that has been woven into the fabric of society, WWE and its Superstars bring families together and deliver a sense of hope, determination and perseverance.” What, huh, um, he said what?
Sarkes has been recognized by the Statistical Academia community for being able to make an inference with just one data point. Here, Sarkes has multiple data points. While being sequestered with the Stay-at-Home Coronavirus protocols, Floridians can go out in public to buy Booze, Guns, and Ammo. Sarkes infers that this is a formula for disaster.
Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis is an Orange Oracle Stooge and NRA Lemming. With the strong Leadership of Governor DeSantis, Floridians can; worship our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ next to thousands of their neighbors, and watch WWE Wrestling in the comfort of their homes with the knowledge that they are safe Packing Heat all while drinking their favorite Hooch.
Like most Americans, the good citizens of Denver, CO are going stir crazy
At 8:00 pm, they go outside and start howling
The city of Denver, CO is howling. Yes, howling.
Shelsea Ochoa and Brice Maiurro started the Facebook group “Go Outside and Howl at 8pm” on March 27. A little more than a week later, that Facebook group has more than 420,000 members, most from Colorado.
So why are Denverites howling? There’s not really a set reason. Some people howl to find joy in a communal experience. Others howl to grieve. Some howl to honor medical workers. Ochoa and Maiurro left the reasoning behind the howl open-ended. It’s up for you to decide.
Many of the Denverites say that there’s something innately enjoyable about howling. Maiurro suggests that it’s a mix of being given permission to do something so wild and hearing the call and response with your neighbors. Plus, “there’s something western about howling that people really enjoy.”
How does it work?
Step one: Note when the clock strikes 8 o’clock
Step two: Open up your window or step into your backyard
Step three: Howl.
Sarkeses cousin Tip Wilson and her husband Greg live in Denver and have heard the Howling but claim that they have not Howled.
The Florida Cracker has taken the Gender Reveal Party to a new level
At times, Sarkes fells like the Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer that starred on Saturday Night Live in 1991. Sometimes the ways of this modern world are strange and scary to Sarkes. Thus is the case with the phenomena of Gender Reveal Parties.
Sarkes and Chris did not know the Gender of children Cathy, Caryn and David before their birth. Heck, we did not even know that Cathy and Caryn were twins. That’s the way it was in the early 1980s.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that Sarkes was invited to a Gender Reveal Party. Obviously, Sarkes had no idea what he was walking into.
A Gender Reveal Party is a celebration during which parents, friends and family find out the sex of a baby. This has become possible with the increasing accuracy of various technologies of determining the baby’s sex before birth.
Sarkes finds out that there are many derivatives of Gender Reveal Parties. Gender Reveal Parties come in a few broad types: Parties where everyone knows the Gender of the baby but the parents. Parties where only the parents know the Gender of the baby, and want to surprise loved ones. Parties where only one person knows the Gender of the baby, and wants to surprise the parents and loved ones. What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.
Gender Reveal Parties are typically held near the middle of the pregnancy. One thing they have in common is that something is done to reveal something Pink, denoting a Female, or Blue, denoting a Male. Common sources that Reveal are cakes, piñatas, bath robes, ballons, silly string, etc. What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.
There is general consensus that Gender Reveal Parties started around 2008. Yeah, the Gender Reveal Party makes Sarkes fell like the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, strange and scary. Needless to say, Sarkes has been to the one Gender Reveal Party and that will be the last one.
Crackers too have Gender Reveal Parties. In addition to the parents, friends, and loved ones, the Cracker Gender Reveal Party adds two additional elements: Booze and Firearms.
Alas, one such Cracker Gender Reval Party in Brevard County ended up with a disastrous 10-acre brush fire. Firefighters were called to a home after reports that a blaze was possibly ignited by fireworks. But when they arrived, firefighters realized that explosives had caused the fire.
Fire Investigators found that a Cracker Gender Reveal Party had been conducted with a Box filled with Tannerite, a highly explosive substance, and colored powder, and then shot with a rifle. What, huh, ummmmm, are you kidding me, oh my.
After the Cracker shot the box of Explosives, the blaze quickly burned out of control burning 10 acres before being completely contained after several hours. This is the Dry season in Florida and there is a Burn Ban in Brevard county that prohibits outdoor activities such as campfires, bonfires and trash burning. Apparently, the Crackers involved with this Gender Reveal Party did not think that a box of Explosives were prohibited under the Burn Ban.
Also, the Gender Reveal Party took place as the coronavirus outbreak escalates and after Florida Governor Ron DeSantis issued a stay-at-home order for state residents. Apparently, the Crackers who planned this must have believed that their Gender Reveal Party was allowed under the stay-at-home order.
Sarkes in on Record. The Florida Cracker is a happy go lucky, generous person. BUT, when alcohol and Firearms are introduced in any Cracker activity, like a Gender Reveal Party, that is a formula for Disaster.