Crime Against Electric Scooters

 Executive Summary:

  • A Florida Cracker has issues with Electric Scooters
  • The Florida Cracker is a Serial Scooter Vandalizer

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor and Sister Cindy Mamelian for this story of Florida Cracker Crime.

A Florida Cracker, 59 year old Randall Williams, has been sneaking around his Ft. Lauderdale neighborhood tampering with electric scooters parked on the streets.

Fort Lauderdale police posted a surveillance video showing Cracker Williams walking up to an electrical scooter on the street, slapping a white sticker on its QR code, and cutting its brake lines, thus rendering it impossible to use.

Cracker Randall Williams is a Serial Scooter Vandalizer

Police report that more than 140 scooters have been disabled and vandalized in a similar way in the southeast part of Fort Lauderdale.  Police had already homed in on Cracker Williams as a possible suspect, and the majority of the acts of vandalism happened within two blocks of his apartment.

Hoping to nab the saboteur, cops staked out the area over the weekend.

In the early hours of Saturday and Sunday, police say they saw Cracker Williams leave his apartment on his nightly rounds of scooter sabotage.

He “walked the neighborhood in a stealthy fashion, utilizing the shadows and the alleyways to conceal his movements,” according to their report.

Police say they saw him vandalize seven scooters on Saturday, and an additional nine on Sunday.

When Police arrested Cracker Williams, he had with him two sets of wire cutters, a pair of hand-held lock pliers, and he was wearing a glove, the police report says.

While Sarkes does not condone the Mass Vandalism of Electric Scooters by Cracker Williams, the issue of Electric Scooters is yet resolved in our major cities.  How many of us have had to avoid these Scooters on our sidewalks or step around these Scooters left helter skelter on sidewalks or yards.   Not to mention that almost none of these Scooter riders are wearing helmets.

Police estimated the cost to fix each scooter at $70.  The cost estimate for the vandalism doesn’t take into account lost revenues from rentals while the scooters are inactive.  Cracker Williams did not discriminate, as he vandalized multiple brands of scooters; Lime, Bird, and Bolt!

Bird Scooters were viciously attacked by Cracker Williams

Lime Scooters were victims of a Scooter Hate Crime
What did Bolt Scooters do to Cracker Williams to deserve their mass destruction

Cracker Williams was booked on charges of criminal mischief, resisting officers, and loitering. 

Dog Shoots Owner

Executive Summary:

  • Sarkes regrets to report on another Dog on Owner Gun Crime.
  •   A Mississippi man is in Intensive Care after being shot by a dog while Duck Hunting near Eagle Lake in Mississippi.

Micah Heckford said he and a group of friends were on an annual Duck and Deer hunting trip in Mississippi. The outing took place on land owned by family members of Heckford’s best friend, Matt Branch, the victim.

Heckford explains:  ”For the most part there’s five to eight of us that have been going six or seven years now. We Deer hunt in the evenings and Duck hunt in the mornings.”

Micah Heckford and Hunting friends bag a lot of Ducks

Early the morning of the hunt, the Hunters were standing around the bed of a Polaris Ranger.  Hunter Branch laid his gun in the bed of the Polaris Ranger and walked around the vehicle to finish loading. 

The Polaris Ranger, scene of the Crime

Seeing that the hunters were loading the vehicle, the Perp,  a Labrador Retriever named Tito, jumped in the bed of the Ranger. As he walked around finding a place to sit, Tito stepped on the safety of Branch’s shotgun and pulled the trigger. Despite his name, Tito is not of Puerto Rican decent.

Labrador Retriever Tito, accused of Assault and Battery 

The shot went thru the bed of the Polaris Ranger and struck Hunter Branch in the left thigh.  

Matt Branch, an innocent victim of Dog on People gun crime

Branch was taken to a medical facility in Vicksburg.  Sadly, Hunter Branch suffered serious leg injuries and he has undergone several surgeries.

The motive for Tito’s attack on Hunter Branch is unknown.  Tito is not talking.

A spokesman for the NRA said:

  • “Guns don’t kill people, Dogs kill people”
  • “the problem is not guns, it’s the mental health of Dogs with guns”
  • “if Tito had gone thru an NRA approved training class, this tragedy would have been avoided.”
  • “the only way to stop a Bad Dog with a Gun is with a Good Dog with a gun”
The NRA believes that the Problem is not Guns and that Dogs can safely shoot guns

Trump Derangement Syndrome

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida Dialysis Center won’t allow a Life-Sized Card Board Trump as Emotional Support
  • Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) has now infiltrated Medical Facilities

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributor Dr. Todd Ruecker for this story about the uncontrolled spread to Trump Derangement Syndrome.  Dr. Ruecker is probably the smartest subscriber to Sarkes Corner.  Dr. Ruecker is a Tenured Professor at the University of Nevada Reno, and is currently studying in Columbia (the Country) as a Fulbright Scholar. 

Dr. Todd Ruecker is a Childhood friend of Sarkeses Son David Korkoian

Todd Ruecker is not related to Darius Rucker, Award Winning Musician

While the Liberal Press is focusing on the Coronavirus currently spreading around the world with savage devastation, somehow, Trump Derangement Syndrome is being ignored.    TDS is the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies and antics of the Orange Monarch, President Donald J. Trump.

TDS has spread like wild fire with Young Americans

It is estimated that Trump Derangement Syndrome has infected over 75 Million Americans.  Liberals are mostly at Risk for TDS, but Conservatives are not immune.   The Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta claim that there is no known cure for TDS.  Sad.  Like most infectious diseases, TDS can spread to Stage 4.

The CDC claim that the 2020 Victory of the Orange Chosen One will negatively affect Americans with TDS

A Florida man, Nelson Gibson, undergoing Kidney Dialysis three times a week, was told that he is not allowed to bring a life-sized cardboard cutout of the Orange Messiah to his Dialysis sessions for emotional support.

Nelson is a big fan of the Orange Emperor

Nelson Gibson claims that this family cannot sit with him during his three-and-a-half-hour treatments. In their absence, he began bringing a picture of Trump as a comfort item.  Later, he started bringing a small cardboard cutout of himself standing next to a photo of Trump.  No one complained, he said, adding that some people even took photos with it.

Nelson Gibson gets comfort during Dialysis with the Orange Stable Genius

When Gibson later returned for Dialysis with the presidential Cut Out, he was told: “They told me it was too much and that his Dialysis wasn’t a Trump rally,”.  Gibson’s son contacted officials at the facility to find out what was the problem.  He was told that the Orange Potentate’s Cut Out was: “an issue of safety for infectious disease” 

In a statement, a Fresenius Kidney Care spokesman said: “While we cannot discuss any specific individual, we strongly support the ability of all our patients to express their views, which includes bringing reasonably sized items into our dialysis centers that do not create safety or infection control issues, or interfere with caregivers on the treatment floor.”  Now that is Prize Worthy corporate mumbo jumbo.

TDS has infected The Fresenius Kidney Center as demonstrated by their non sensical statement 

Sarkes is not treating Trump Derangement Syndrome lightly.  Sarkes has dozens of Family and Friends suffering from TDS.  The only cure for TDS is that the Orange Royal Highness will not get reelected in 2020.  Since this is not likely, Sarkes is concerned about his Family and Friends after the Orange Exalted Leader gets reelected. 

Sarkes is concerned about Family and Friends with TDS

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – March 1 @ 3:56AM

This Trump Derangement Syndrome is Fake News, Alternative Facts, Phony, a Failed Take Down, a Thousand Stabs, Sham, Scam, Set Up, Treasonous, Presidential Harassment, a Crusade and Terrible Thing.

Donald J. Trump @ realDonaldTrump – March 1 @ 4:37AM

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME!!!!!  Blacks Love me, Jews Love me, Chinks Love me, everyone but the Illegal Mexicans Love me.  I Did Nothing Wrong and will be Completely Exonerated.  There will be Vindication, Read the Transcript.  Case Closed.

The Orange Profit does not recognize TDS

Sarkes gets Comfort with his Picture with the Orange Educator after getting his Degree from Trump University

The Orange Creamsicle

Executive Summary:

  • At his TV address to the nation last night, the Orange Julius had an Orange Face and White Hands
  • Sarkes Daughter Caryn wondered how this could be.

In his address to the nation last night, the Orange Cantaloupe had a strange hue, his face was Orange yet his Tiny hands were White.  Sarkeses daughter was so confused that she called Sarkes with questions.  

the Orange Slurrpee appeared two toned, Orange and White, like a Creamsicle

the Classic Creamsicle, like our President, is Orange and White

Sarkes was not watching the Presidential address by the Orange Traffic Cone as he was watching taped recordings of Judge Judy, but Sarkes was able to provide several reasons as to why the Orange Zest was two toned.

Sarkes prefers reruns of Judge Judy than to watch the Orange Orator

Sarkes told Daughter Caryn that there were several reasons why the Orange Carrot Top’s face was Orange but his Tiny hands were White:

The LED lights were shining on his face and not his hands.

LED Lights give All Americans an Orange hue and should be eliminated

The Liberal Press Photo-Shopped the Press Conference.  The Liberal Press will do ANYTHING to make our President look bad.

The Truth can only be found on Fox News and Sarkes Corner

Obama was behind this Fake image, Phony picture, Failed Take Down, Witch Hunt, Charade, Hoax, Hit Job, Sham, Scam, Set Up, Treasonous act, Presidential Assassination, Harassment, Lynching, Triple Hearsay, Crusade, Terrible Thing.

It’s always Obama’s Fault

The International Electrical Workers Union are part of the Deep State and rigged the lighting at the Presidential address.

For some reason, Electricians are anti-Trump and are part of the Deep State

Sarkeses explanations as to why the Orange Juices face was Orange yet his tiny Hands were White seemed to satisfy Sarkeses Daughter Caryn. 

A Sarkes Corner Tribute to Judge Judy

Executive Summary:

  • The “Judge Judy” show will end after 25 seasons
  • Sarkes is devastated

Thanks to Sarkes Corner Contributors Cindy Mamelian and Jerry Katz for notifying Sarkes about the end of the “Judge Judy” show after 25 seasons.  Sarkes was notified earlier in the week but the impact of this news put Sarkes in a Deep Depression.  Sarkes is OK now.

In her last few season, Judge Judy sported a Ruth Bader Ginsberg look

Sarkes has always said that he could pass the Bar in any state after watching Judge Judy for over 20 years.  Many of you are Lawyers, or have Lawyers in your family, and know how much money and work it takes to get a Legal Degree and pass the Bar.   Sarkes has bypassed all of that by faithfully watching Judge Judy dish out swift justice.    

Sarkes can connect the dots when most people do not even see the Dots.  Such was the case when Sarkes broke the news, several years ago, about the REAL reason why Oprah Winfrey retired when her show was rated #1 and she was the highest paid person on TV.  Oprah is no fool, she left while on top because she saw Judge Judy gaining popularity and salary.  Sure enough, shortly after she retired, Judge Judy flew by Oprah in salary and ratings.

Oprah is no fool, felling the Heat from Judge Judy, she retired on top

Judge Judy is a no-nonsense Jurist.  In addition to delivering precedent  setting rulings, Judge Judy is famous for her famous quotes.  Some of Sarkeses favorites are:

“Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.”

“If it doesn’t make sense, it’s not true.”

“Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

Judge Judy can tell the difference between Rain and Pee

“If you live to be a hundred, you will never be as smart as me. On your BEST day, you’re not as smart as *I* am on my WORST day.”

“I’m the boss, Applesauce.”

“…I eat morons like you for breakfast. You’re gonna be crying before this is over.”

Judge Judy can easily spot a Moron

“Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn’t work and it annoys the pig.”

“Take your hands off your hips and stand up straight, like you’re in court.”

“‘Um’ is not an answer!”

Judge Judy is a sticker for the use of Proper English in her court

“Is the word stupid written across my forehead?”

“God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason”

“This is my courtroom and I can say what I want. When you become a judge, we will talk.”

Judge Judy is in complete control of her Court Room

The good news is that Judge Judy will be in Syndication for many years to come, allowing future generations of future Lawyers to learn from the best. 

Sarkes Corner DC Congressional Bureau Chief, Jerry Katz, reports that there is currently a bipartisan Bill before Congress to place a statue of Judge Judy in front of the Supreme Court.

If anyone deserves a statue it’s Judge Judy

Judge Judy:  The Cases are Real, The People are Real, the Rulings are Final.

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek Gone Bad

Executive Summary:

  • A Florida woman is accused of zipping her boyfriend in suitcase while playing Hide-and-Go-Seek
  • Tragically, the boyfriend was left in the suitcase and died

Sarkes thanks Washington DC Sarkes Corner Contributor Cheryl Katz and St. Louis Sarkes Corner Contributor Dr. Chuckie Kofron for this sad story of a Cracker passing.  

Until the time that Sarkes and Chris moved to Florida in 2009, Sarkeses family and friends had never heard about the booze / drug antics of the Florida Cracker.  To this day, many subscribers of Sarkes Corner charge that Sarkes makes up these stories about the Florida Cracker to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Sarkes is a Truth Machine, and Sarkes Corner is a Fair & Balanced publication

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING – This Sarkes corner contains a graphic and uncomfortable cell phone transcript WARNING, WARNING, WARNING

Sarkeses Cracker neighbors never ceases to amaze.  When not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, the Florida Cracker is a friendly species, Salt of the Earth if you will.  But:  A Cracker + Booze and/or Drugs = A formula for Disaster.  

Crackerette Sarah Boone, 42, of Winter Park, faces a charge of second-degree murder in the death of Jorge Torres Jr.  Crackerette Boone said she was playing a game of Hide-and-Go-Seek with Cracker Torres when she zipped him into a suitcase thinking it would be fun. 

Who would have thought that a man could fit into a suitcase, go figure

Hmmm, it has been over 50 years, 50!, since Sarkes has played Hide-and-Go-Seek, but Sarkes does not remember Hide-and-Go-Seek being played like these Crackers.  Sarkes and his childhood friends would hide behind trees, furniture, etc.  Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek obviously has a different set of rules, with alcohol and/or drugs as a critical element. 

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek is a much different game than the kids version

During the playing of Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek, Crackerette Boone went upstairs and passed out, obviously forgetting that Cracker Torres was still in the suitcase.  Crackerette Boone finally woke up to her cellphone ringing.  Crackerette Boone then realized Cracker Torres was still in the suitcase where she found him unresponsive.  Sober enough to use her cell phone, Crackerette Boone called 911.  Emergency responders came to the home and confirmed that Cracker Torres had died.  Tragic

Sadly, Paramedics could not help Cracker Torres

During the investigation, the Sheriff’s office said Cracker Boone’s statements were “inconsistent” with Cellphone Footage.  Cell Phone Footage, huh, um, ah, what.  Obviously, Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek involves taping the event on a Cell Phone.  huh,um, ah, what.  

On the Cell Phone Tape, Cracker Torres can be heard screaming for help in the suitcase while Crackerette Boone chides him.  Also, Cracker Torres can be heard asking for help, to which Crackerette Boone replies, “For everything you’ve done to me, f— you!”

Cracker Torres continued: ”I can’t f—ing breathe, seriously,”   Crackerette Boone replied:  ”Yeah, that’s what you do when you choke me, that’s what I feel like when you cheat on me,”  As Cracker Torres continued to plea, Crackerette Torres shouted:  “shut the f— up,”

Sarah Boone, under the influence of alcohol, is one angry Crackerette

It doesn’t take a Statistician or Mathematics Professor to solve this Equation:,  A Cracker + Booze and/or Drugs = A formula for Disaster. 

Cracker Hide-and-Go-Seek resulted in Crackerette Boone heading to the Hoosegow